Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Not a "good little trooper"

This has been a tough few days. I suppose that's to be expected after posting about refining. I got to go to church on Sunday and ACTUALLY SING on the praise team for the first time in, like, three months (I took a mini leave-of-absence because of my sinus issues). It was so awesome! I loved every minute of it, I felt close to God, I sat there and praised Him and told Him I really wanted to make a fresh start and get totally back on track with Him, etc. I meant it. With every fiber of my being. It was such a great day.

And then Monday morning I woke up sick again. Mild fever, achy, totally, completely exhausted, and, of course, sinusy. And I just went spiralling back down into the blackest of pits. And it seemed like everything in my life was just WRONG, not just the chronic sinus thing.

So this week has been a huge struggle. God and I have had some pretty heavy talks (okay, I did most of the talking). I told Him I'm TIRED of being refined. I'm not doing a very good job of being refined, anyway. I'm not sure there really is much silver in there. (Apparently He has a different opinion.) I'm tired of being sick. Not like that's a huge revelation. I'm tired of being a crummy wife because I can't take care of anything when I feel like this ... wait, have I posted this exact same thing before, just a couple of weeks ago? Um, yes, I did.

So this has got to be spiritual warfare. I know it is, even if some of you may say it's just whiney old me! lol

Anyway, I confess to very, very dark thoughts about this world's need of having me in it. I do that from time to time. I would never act on those thoughts, but it takes me quite some time to work through them. This is usually when I do my "yelling" at God. Not actually vocally, but definitely internally. I'm glad that I'm confident He can take it. He got an earful last night. I mean, honestly, sometimes I don't understand why He doesn't just STEP IN and DO SOMETHING. Immediate. Miraculous. Not just about the stupid sinuses, but about life.

And then the morning comes and I feel better. (I'm very grateful for mornings.) Not entirely "all better," but acceptably okay. I still don't understand why God won't just FIX the things that get all knotted up in my head and my heart and make me so depressed. I know there are other people involved ... is it okay for me to want them to change? Do I have to be the only one who does any changing? 'Cause clearly, I'm not doing a very good job of it, here, and I could use some major help.

Whoops ... backtracked. Anyway, as I was saying, I know God knows best. I trust Him to know what He's doing. He's God, after all. He's got the Big Picture, the Ultimate Agenda. He, according to the Bible, loves me. And I've had lots of proof of that in my life. I still have trouble believing it sometimes, but it's true. That doesn't always make me feel all perky and Pollyanna, though. Sometimes His will is tough. Lots of times I just flat don't understand it. ("Just flat ..." Can you tell I'm a Native Texan?) Many, many times I buck against it, chafe about it, whine A LOT, and just really wish God would privilege me with more details than He's given. But in the end, I have to say along with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 1:4-5)

(I'm not saying that like I'm standing up on a big rock proclaiming it to the world. I'm saying it like I'm sitting on the rock with my head in my hands, HAVING to say it because I know there is no other way for my heart to respond.)

I love God. He is MY God, my rock, my salvation, my fortress, my deliverer and my sustainer. (Despite what I feel sometimes, though, I really do hope He doesn't slay me!)

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