Just watch it ...

... this skit, I mean. Thanks to Lynn for posting it on Facebook. I don't know how long it will take me to "get" this, to understand it, to "own" it. But I'm going to keep trying until I do!

God's Chisel

You don't have to buy it -- the preview is what I saw and it's pretty powerful. Hope it makes an impact on your life!

The Wilderness

So, I guess you can tell by my title where I've been lately. I don't know what's happened, but I have been less-than-inspired lately, not "feeling" God, dry as the lake bed near here is going to be if we don't get some rain soon. Yeah, I feel like I'm in a spiritual drought just as much as Central Texas is in a physical drought.

The thing with droughts (at least spiritual ones) is that they tend to feed off themselves. Not inspired? Won't spend much time in the Bible. Not "feeling" God? Probably won't pray as much, or it will be more rote and less from the heart. And so it has been with me.

Plus my husband is going through "yet another" emotional/spiritual/whatever crisis. I'm worn out from trying to figure that all out, trying to be a good, supportive wife when I really want to run the other direction screaming on his bad days. I love him, I really do. I just don't have anything in the reservoir these days.

So I have been praying for God to help me out of this wilderness. I know I don't absolutely HAVE to "feel" Him in my life, though being a person who runs on their emotions, it would sure be nice! But I want to care! I want to care again about absorbing God's Word into my life, into my heart, into my brain, rather than just reading the Bible and saying, "Okey dokey, I can check that off the list today." I want to care about TALKING with God instead of just sorta handing Him my prayer request list and saying, "There Ya go, Lord, can You please take care of these?"

Some of this is, I think, health related. When you're exhausted because you didn't really "sleep" all night, but rather spent it doing all sorts of weird stuff in an alternate universe, it makes it hard to concentrate on anything, much less on things you know you're supposed to be really getting something from. But part of it is, I suspect, a lack of real effort on my part. I'm not going to any Bible studies, not going to Sunday School (we have praise team rehearsal during that time, although it's really supposed to start earlier), none of that. That helps me concentrate better than just a quick Sunday sermon (no matter how great) and the "daily reading" thing.

I'm glad God is a God of grace. I don't really know how to feel that a lot of the time. I'm too busy thinking how disappointed with me God must be. He probably just wants me to rest in His love for now. Wish I knew how to let go and do that!

Simple Faith

For Father's Day, I gave Bjorn a CD by Johnny Cash called "My Mother's Hymns." (Aidan took him to a Gilbert & Sullivan play, which they said was hysterical.) The listening came after I'd been reading about someone's spiritual journey to Christ, away from Him, back to Him, and now kinda in limbo. And I tend to be surrounded by "deep theological discussion" with an intellectual husband, books about God, various other places, etc. I think it's almost an epidemic these days that we (myself included -- heck, I started this blog, didn't I?) have this compulsive "need" to dissect everything about our lives, including our walk with Christ.

I think it's important to examine our lives, our difficulties, to know what we think and believe and why we think and believe these things.

And yet it was SOOOOO refreshing to just sit and listen to these simple hymns tonight and reflect on the days when people just lived their lives with Jesus already integrated into them, just by virtue of their love and gratitude to Him.

One of the songs on the album is "He Reached Down." It's not one I was familiar with. But this is the one that really struck me -- just the simple beauty of telling how lost I was and how Jesus reached down and found me. Not that I reached up to Him, but that He reached down to me. The core and crux of it all. So simple. It made me wonder why we spend so much time dissecting, hashing and rehashing point after theological point. I guess it's because that's the way the World does things, and in order to reach the World we have to be able to meet them on their intellectual level. But, I don't know. The simple love of Jesus never changes. It was what the heart of mankind needed 2000 years ago, and it's still exactly what we need. His love reaching down to us. Pure. Simple. (And, as an aside, that's the best way to reach people for Him, I suspect -- not that I'm an expert, because I tend to keep myself in my little protective shell -- but it does make perfect sense. I don't really know anyone who was ever "argued" into the kingdom of Heaven, although my intellectual husband did take "convincing." Still, without God's love showing through me in ways beyond the wife-husband, or even friend-friend relationship, I don't think all the "convincing" in the world would have mattered.)

I really do get weary of all the arguments, discussions, this-vs-that, pontificating, etc. I know I participate in it, have my opinions, think I'm surely right, and want so badly to convince everyone else of it -- right? I mean, I think a lot of us do. But what an awesome thing it would be to just FOCUS on JESUS -- to "turn [our] eyes upon" Him, as the old hymn says, to just spend our days living for HIM instead of trying to figure out this thing and that thing and arguing and convincing.

And I think living for Him is just as simple as going about our lives with the awareness that He is always near, with an attitude of thanksgiving to Him for all that He has done for me, for reaching down to me; and keeping focused on Him instead of on ourselves. Wait, did I say simple? That last thing is very, very hard.

Well, anyway, it all boils down to grace in the end, doesn't it? Grace for salvation, grace for everyday living, grace to see the brokenness in others that makes them do things and behave in ways that cause me to want to judge them.

And even though it wasn't on the album, I am soooo grateful for God's "grace that is greater than all my sin."

Experiencing technical difficulties ...

Well, not technical difficulties, technically. More like spiritual difficulties. Or maybe it's just authorial difficulties. Whatever it is, I haven't been particularly inspired of late. As you can tell.

Although I will tell you I have not been a Very Good Girl lately. I slandered my husband all over my Facebook page (no, I will not be your friend if I don't already know you). I had the world's worst attitude about helping with VBS. I have been a control freak, a Diva Princess, an Emo Queen, a spoiled brat, a judgmental snot ... oh, and I was sick for a couple of weeks, too.

*SIGH* I really do wonder sometimes how God puts up with me, why He doesn't just point His finger at me and go "poof! you're outta here!" and fry me like a fly in a magnifying glass-focused sunbeam.

Then I'll be listening to the Christian stuff on my MP3 player and come across this one by the Newsboys:

"Great is Your faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me;
Oh, and great is Your faithfulness, turning shame into victory.
Your grace has never let me be,
Your mercy's waiting patiently.
Oh, so great is Your faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me ..."

Yeah. Amen, brothers. Amen, and amen again.

Religion vs. the gospel

So, no, I'm not going to do a huge treatise on this topic! It's just that I've been reading this amazing book called The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I highly recommend it, whether you're a believer or a skeptic or something in-between.

Anyway, my pastor (who is having my guys read this book for their Monday night "theological session" they have with him) recommended I read the chapter titled "Religion and the Gospel" first. He said, "This chapter is you and me." He knows me very well, since I've had a few very long talks with him before when my brain was having spiritual issues ;-). And he was right! I read it this morning while I was at the doctor's office "waiting out" my allergy shots (I have to sit there and wait for 30 minutes after I get them so they can make sure I'm not gonna have a bad reaction and cark it in that time -- of course, I could still have a bad reaction HOURS later and potentially cark it, but, understandably, they don't really want me to live at their office!)

The chapter was amazing. I mean, so blatantly obvious to people who "get" grace. But to those of us who struggle with it, it was just ... amazing. To start with he describes the difference in "religion," which is working to please God, to rack up points or whatever, to earn our way into heaven. And grace is what Jesus did for us. He called that the "gospel" in order to differentiate. Okay, yeah, I know all that stuff. "For by grace are ye saved, through faith; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 (I did that from memory -- I mean, you grow up in an evangelical church, you can rattle that one off at the drop of a hat.) I totally believe it ... for salvation. But what about for my daily life? And here I'm mixing book and Stacy for a sec ...

I have a very hard time accepting that I don't have to WORK to please God, i.e. to garner favor with Him, approval, acceptance on a sort-of "sub-salvation" level. Okay, yeah, I'm accepted for salvation because of His grace. But then after that, don't I have to prove to Him what a sincere, serious Christian I am? Don't I have to have all the little checkboxes checked off on the "good Christian list" in order for Him to truly approve of me, to really love me the way He loves, say, Billy Graham? And then don't I have to really show the world what a good Christian I am (presumably so they can admire my Christlikeness and want to become a Christian themselves)? Don't I need to "come apart and be separate" by having my pro-life bumpersticker, by verbally disdaining all things that are opposed to my viewpoints and way of life, by shunning the "other" (as the book puts it)? "Oh, God, thank you that I am not like those stinkin' pro-choice jerks ..."

Hold it. That sounds kinda familiar. Like ... hmmm ... oh, yeah, I know. Like the Pharisees. The ones who thought they had to have all the checkboxes checked, and knew it was impossible, so they vaunted themselves up above everyone else in order to feel good about their religion. (And I used that word "religion" intentionally.)

Oh, boy. Hittin' a little close to home, here. This is my hugest struggle with my faith. The difference between legalism and grace, between "pleasing God" so He'll like me ("tui moment" as they say in New Zealand, translated as -- Yeah Right), and obeying because I love my Father and enjoy doing things that please Him.

I am accepted already! There was a line from the book that I'll see if I can remember: Something like, "I'm so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, but He loves and treasures me so much, He was glad to do it." Whoa. Seriously? I mean, yes, my spirit believes that with everything I have. But my head cannot get itself even remotely around that. I'm accepted just ... just because of God's love for me? It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I go to the "right" church, that I sing on the Praise Team, that I'm pro-life and anti-gay, that I hold myself "above" the culture, that I disdain atheists and liberals, that I'm a good Republican (albeit pretty middle-of-the-road), that I don't drink and I don't swear, and I don't even like most of what's on TV these days? I don't get POINTS for any of that? Jesus loves me regardless of my score?

I know that doesn't mean that being pro-life is Pharisaical, or that keeping myself as unsullied by the culture as possible is a bad thing. But the thing is, I find myself counting on those things to get me God-points, in addition to the very real convictions that lie behind my stance on them. And it makes me very judgmental (see previous post). And angry at the world in general. Which is stressful and not good for my health. Because, you see, there's no way in hell (gasp! I used a bad word!) that I can possibly get all the checkboxes marked off! I'm human! God knows I can't do that! That's why He sent Jesus in the first place -- the whole checkbox system wasn't working, the Old Covenant was impossible for us to achieve, all it could really do was point out to us how desperately we need God for our salvation.

So, anyway, I have faced this concept before and marveled at it and held it to my heart for awhile and then let the "checkbox mentality" of legalism creep its way back into my head and heart. But I'm miserable when I do that! I beat myself up, I judge others, I just don't live the life God intended in any form or fashion. So I'm praying that God will help me to GRASP this grace thing once and for all! To understand that HE LOVES ME, period. There's a Newsboys song that has a line in it that says, "He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are; He only loves us 'cause of Who He is." He chose to love me before the beginning of the world, and (here comes a cliche, but a really cool one) there's nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and there's nothing I can do to make Him love me less.

I really need to keep that at the forefront of my brain! (And tattoo it on my hands or somewhere I'll see it alot!)

Well, my brain runneth over, but I have to go pick Aidan up from drama rehearsal in a few minutes, so I'll just leave it at this for now. Christianity -- the GOSPEL, not the religion -- is absolutely the most beautiful, amazing deal ever. And I am so thankful that God blessed me with faithful parents, teachers, pastors, friends so that I am still here, following Christ, sticking it out, enduring. I mean, because, really ... what better deal is there?

The Moral Imperative, or plain ol' Judgmentalism?

So, I was going to write about something else today, but then I read an article on the Christianity Today website called "The Good Friday Life," and this became more important today.

Here's the quote I want to go off of:

For the Christian, moral discourse begins by focusing not on the sins of the other but on one's own failures. "O God, be merciful to me, a sinner." It is the publican's humble prayer that is accepted by God, and it is the Pharisee—who is confident of his morality and the other's immorality—who is condemned. Moral discourse begins, as Jesus said, by taking the log out of our own eye.

At the moment I am falling on my face before God and asking forgiveness for being such a HUGE Pharisee in my life! In the name of "Moral Imperative" I am so judgmental! I sit on my throne of judgment day after day calling down fire on this politician's head, or that entertainer's, ridiculing this popular concept or that, criticizing even those I love who don't see the world the same way I do. Oh, God, why do You even put up with me?

I have such a huge plank in my own eye I think I need about four people to help me carry it around! I mean, yes, I know that there are things we must judge, and there are actions we need to speak out about. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about being Holier Than Thou about so many things and thinking I am somehow above it all because I am ... I don't know ... somehow "better"? Do I think that I am better than Madonna (who I rank one of the most immoral people around) because I don't sin in the same ways she does? My sin is no less horrid in God's eyes than hers. The only difference is that mine has been covered by the blood of Christ because I was blessed enough to have parents who took me to church as a child, and because I listened to the Holy Spirit's promptings when I was seven years old and accepted Christ as my Savior. I could just as easily have rejected those promptings. I mean, it's a classic case of "there but for the grace of God ..." It's God's grace, not my so-called holiness, that covers my sins and has set me free from the law of sin and death. Anyway, you get the point on that.

I actually wrote a comment on a local newspaper article today sort of "lovingly" slamming the writer who had written how we Christians should NOT celebrate "Easter" because of the connection to a pagan holiday and how we were invoking the names of pagan goddesses when we even said the name. Gasp! She WRONGED me, because she was being so legalistic! So when I read an article, also on ChristianityToday.com, concerning this very question (of whether Easter actually had come from a pagan holiday), and it said that this was a misconception, I couldn't wait to put in a comment that put her "lovingly" in her place! (I promise you, it wasn't as snarky as I'm making it sound, but, still ...) Why did I do it? I'd say about 10% so the atheists who LOVE to circle like sharks any religion article in our newspaper would have to eat many of their own words, but also simply to put her in her place because I don't think like her, because I thought she was being legalistic and "leading others astray"! I was TRIUMPHANT when I sent that comment post! HA! I thought. Shows you!

Oh, Kyrie eleison! Christe eleison!!

This is what nailed Jesus to the cross. My hateful little vindictive judgments. My Holier-than-thou moments. My "Oh, God, thank You that I am not like so-and-so ..." thoughts. And I know I'm not the only one. The "Good Friday Life" article is talking about this mostly in reference to our political activism, and we as Christian Americans are RIFE with Moral Imperatives. But it doesn't matter what anyone else does. What matters is what I do.

Dear God, this is not how I want to be! This is not WHO I want to be! Please have Your Holy Spirit so fill me with Jesus that He pushes ME out and makes me like Him!

Sounds easy, right? A "magic" little prayer and everything is all better? Ah, but God and I both know this is not even remotely that easy. It's certainly not impossible, since "With God all things are possible." But my SELF will continue to want to rear its ugly little head over and over and over again. The dying to self thing ... yeah, that's probably the hardest thing we Christians have to do. I LIKE "self". "Self" wants to be really comfortable and keep on living a cushy life here in my spirit and soul. But Jesus said I have to deny my SELF, take up my cross and follow Him. "It is no longer I who lives, but Christ within me ..." I have the feeling it's going to take me a loooooonnnnggg time to get to that point. But, Jesus, please don't give up on me, okay? It's the desire of my heart, my spirit, my soul to be there. Thank You that You know the REAL me, deep inside, and that even when all the other bits of me seem to drown it out, You still hear, You still know who I really am in You.

You're my only hope!

God inhabits our praise

So, duh, right? (The title) I mean, as Christians we all know this. But I know I forget it so easily, what it really means. For years I've had people tell me I should play praise music constantly in my house because a) the Devil doesn't like it and will stay away, and b) God inhabits praise, ergo His presence will fill the house. But I've always balked at that suggestion because I don't tend to like praise and worship CDs (you know, like Vineyard or Hillsong or whatever). There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, I just don't like the "sound" or whatever. It's a personal preference thing. So I just haven't done it.

But God has been working on me about it lately, mainly because I know that I and my family are under spiritual attack. If it's not my marriage, the kid has a weird phase. If it's not the kid, it's me with depression or illness (or both). If it's not me, it's the hubster with stress or whatever. And 'round and 'round it goes. As Roseanne Rosannadanna on Saturday Night Live used to say, "It's always somethin'!" So God has been pointing out to me that the Newsboys and Phil Joel have praise songs. And there are lots of praise songs on albums I used to listen to a lot, like the City on a Hill albums, and Tree63, and the Passion worship albums. I even have two WOW Worship CDs from several years ago. So last Thursday or Friday I got on our Windows Media Explorer and made up a Praise and Worship playlist from the Christian stuff we have on there. And then yesterday I went through our CDs and added a bunch of other stuff. It's funny that there are songs we have on CDs that I discovered I loved when we had this very hip worship minister in our church for awhile, and I didn't even know we had the songs! (I clearly wasn't listening to those particular CDs.) So now I have a great collection of P&W songs that appeal to me that I can put on and listen to whenever I want to! And my plan is to keep them on in the house all day long, even if I'm distracted and not really listening, because the Enemy knows those songs are my heart, he knows I mean them regardless, so hopefully they will keep him and his minions at bay.

When I first started listening to them on Friday night while cooking supper, I was so uplifted! Some of these songs I hadn't heard in years, and they had been incredibly meaningful to me "back when". Oddly, the last couple of days I've felt a bit depressed, but I'm not terribly surprised. I'm sure the Enemy is NOT happy about this new warfare tactic. At any rate, I'm lovin' the songs and the devotion they inspire and the good stuff they remind me of! I even borrowed an extra MP3 player my husband had and put the playlist on it so I could listen to these songs in the car. (I wanted to keep MY MP3 player "Newsboys/Phil Joel dedicated." lol)

So that's one of the things that has been helping lately. It also helped me a great deal to spend time talking with my mother on Saturday (the day before the anniversary of her mother's -- my Granny's -- death), remembering my Granny, and especially sort-of rehashing all the junk with the hospital and the situation surrounding Granny's illness and death, all the nightmarish stress we were all under, all the disbelief that this woman, this amazing lady who had been such a rock in our family, just forever!, who had always been the strong one, always been the no-nonsense one, always been the one we counted on to live forever (or until Jesus came back), had become so sick, so dependent, and had died in the hospital instead of quietly in her sleep, like she so deserved. After awhile Mom and I got to the point in the discussion where we were just going over all the incredible things God had done for us through those six weeks, how He had sustained us through our own illnesses and weaknesses so we could be there for Granny, how He had provided for so many different needs, how He had made sure all of her grandchildren had had a chance to be there before she passed away so they could say goodbye (she died the very day my middle brother came up to see her -- the only day he had been able to get free to come). And then afterward how He had sustained us through her memorial service, even enabling me to SING for her service, after I had said I would never be able to sing at a loved one's funeral. And I looked at my mother and said, "You know, in those times when I find myself doubting God's existence, or that He cares about me -- all I need to do is think about how He was with us every step of the way through the crisis with Granny and her death." God even allowed me the special privilege of being with her at the time she passed. It was just me and my Dad in the room with her. It was such a peaceful, quiet passing. As Dad said, "she just stopped." I believe I was there as a stand-in for my mother, who would NEVER have been able to handle that. (Mom was her only child, and they were extremely close.) Plus, it was just a very unique, special thing to be there at the moment my precious grandmother passed from this life into Eternal Life. Not pleasant. Not "happy" by any means. But a special honor, in a way.

Okay, so the whole point is -- God has been there for me so many times in my life I can't even count them. And I am SO quick to forget that! I'm so quick to let the dark clouds -- the fog, if you will -- of my depression obscure the undeniable proofs that HE IS THERE, that HE LOVES ME, and that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME! The song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" just sums it all up so beautifully. If you don't know it, here are the words:

Great is Thy faithfulness, o God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

(CHO)
Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

(CHO)

Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

(CHO)

Isn't that the most beautiful song? I know the words are a bit archaic, but it is just such a testimony to the truth of His trustworthiness and, well, faithfulness! My mother has long said this is our "family song," because He has proven Himself faithful so many times in my family of origin. And I'm seeing Him prove Himself faithful in my marriage-family, too. Especially when I pull my head out of my own despair and look at the facts!

Well, the kitties are clamoring for their bedtime feeding ... and my stomach's kinda growling, too, actually! So it's off for a bedtime snack and then, hopefully, a good night's sleep.

Blessings to all ...