Sunday, February 15, 2009

God, I beg You ... smile!

So, today has not been a good day. Not just an "off day," but not good for ongoing, frustrating, upsetting, seemingly never-ending and hopeless reasons. So tonight I picked up one of my recent journals and found some verses from Psalm 119 in The Message version of the Bible that had spoken to my heart one day and I had written down. They speak to me tonight, too. So here are some of them:

Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?

... train me well in Your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out.

... build me up again by Your Word.

Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with Your clear revelation. I choose the road to Somewhere.

... God, don't let me down! I'll run the course You lay out for me if You'll just show me how.

I beg You from the bottom of my heart: smile, be gracious to me just as You promised!

Oh, love me -- and right now! -- hold me tight! just the way You promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really live ...

In Your great love revive me so I can alertly obey Your every word.

... put me together again with Your Word.

Let my cry come right into Your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from Your Word.

Give my request Your personal attention; rescue me on the terms of Your promise.

... Invigorate my soul so I can praise You well.

Yes, God, again. Once again I find myself standing in this same place (or a similar one farther down the road), hurting again, angry again, confused and weary and all the stuff You already know so well. Angry because this isn't the life I signed up for. Hurting because ... well, You know why. Confused because I thought things were looking up again, but once again the Big Cloud comes and I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. I need to quit trying. It's not something I can fix, anyway, God, only You can, since there are other people involved and ... It's like hitting my head against a brick wall so I might as well just build one and protect my heart again, Y'know? I know, I'm giving in to the Enemy. I don't want to. I want to win, God, I really do, but this is too big for me. It has been for years. Help! Again.

So ... yeah, only You can get me on my feet again. I am trying to stay in Your Word, and I'm hoping that will "build me up again." But You definitely have to barricade that "road to Nowhere" that I keep trying to go down.

And honestly, Lord, sometimes I just have no clue how to run the course You lay out for me. I'd be happy to do it if You'd just show me how, just like the Psalmist asked.

I need You to smile on me again, God. I know, You have been, in lots of little ways and one or two big, totally unrelated ways, and I am SOOOO grateful for those! They definitely give me hope. I just need a Really Big smile, Abba. One I can see through the clouds. Because right now they're pretty thick. Help me remember to look up, though, too, Abba. To keep my eyes on You. Because I can't exactly see You smile if I'm not looking.

1 comment:

Melb. said...

Love your honesty. I think we are alot alike!