So today I thought I would "be deliberate" in my Bible reading -- as in Phil Joel's "deliberatePeople" website/idea. It's just basically choosing a "standout verse" in your daily reading and journaling about it. He has a specific reading plan that I followed for a couple of years, but this year I'm more or less "meandering" through the Bible, mostly the New Testament. (Does it make me a bad Christian if I admit that I find most of the Old Testament depressing? It's important stuff, of course, and you can't just say, "Oh, I'm all about the New Testament, the Old is passe," or whatever. But sometimes I just can't read it day after day, especially in, like, the book of Judges or Kings. I do, however, absolutely LOVE Isaiah.)
Anyway, so I read Luke 9:1-17. In this passage Jesus empowers his disciples and sends them out to preach and heal, and also there is the miracle of the loaves and fishes. Of course, there is a ton one could write about these two stories, but what struck me today was that Jesus didn't just want the gospel preached -- he also cared about the people's physical needs.
So I have a couple of standout verses: v. 2: "... He sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick." And also v. 13: "You give them something to eat."
Jesus easily could have just sent the disciples to do nothing but preach. And He could also have just sent the crowd home to eat. The Bible doesn't mention whether Jesus resumed preaching after they all ate, or whether they ate and went home. So I can't say for sure whether He wanted them fed so they could listen some more, or simply because He had too much compassion on them to let them continue to be hungry. However, based on what I've read in the Bible and what I personally know about Jesus, I imagine He just didn't want them going hungry that evening.
I love all this, and I think it says a lot about the God we serve. He definitely cares about our souls more than anything else. But He also knows we are human beings living in the here and now, and that we have physical needs in our lives that need to be met. I have often heard ministries that feed people, that go into communities and help the poor, heal the sick, etc., say that you have to meet the physical needs of the people before you can set about meeting their spiritual needs. It only makes sense -- hungry people, sick people can't concentrate much on the "esoteric" stuff until they are filled and healed (or at least in a more comfortable place physically speaking).
But I think that, even beyond the sort-of "ulterior motive" of helping people so they can enter the Kingdom (which is, of course, the most important thing), Jesus just loves to help people. He loves to reach into our worlds, into our hurt, and show us His love and compassion. He loves to wrap His arms around us and love on us! From experience I know He doesn't always choose to heal or to lift us up out of our circumstances, choosing rather to carry us through the difficult times instead of just making them go away. Personally, I would rather He always just took the tough stuff away before I had to endure much of it. It takes a lot of struggle sometimes to get to the place where, by faith, I accept that He's doing something I don't understand and then relax and let Him do His stuff. That's when He really shows that the spiritual is more important than the physical. But I'm glad there are all those times in Scripture where He shows us that He cares about the physical aspects of our lives, too. I'm glad He's a God whose love is so all-encompassing, who is all about compassion, and who never wants to just leave us where we are to get by on our own. That's when it's so obvious that God is our "Abba" (daddy), that Jesus is our brother, that the Holy Spirit is our comforter.
Yeah. I like that.
So, on another note, I have discovered the most hilarious, true, often uplifting and always interesting blog called "Stuff Christians Like." You should check it out. It is SO us!
Blessings for a beautiful day!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
More of the same, sorta
So I'm probably beating a dead horse, but since I'm still struggling and trying to sort out my life right now, I need to write about what I'm feeling and struggling with.
And, basically it's this: I'm incredibly frustrated with my spiritual life right now. I'm too tired to be "actively growing" in my relationship with Christ, physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now. I don't want to be like this, I really want to be growing closer to Him and keeping my eyes on Him instead of on my own self and my problems, but in all honesty it's just hard to look up right now. When you're sick a lot (or at least this is true for me), it's hard to look past yourself and how awful you're feeling. It's not a whiny "poor, pitiful me" kind of deal, it's more like being beaten into the ground and not being able to look up. (I just spent a really nasty week with something called "ischemic colitis" which causes lower abdominal pain and passing blood -- not fun, and I mean, seriously, what is with all these stupid illnesses coming one after the other?) I want to move past all this and be able to get back into Bible study and be really praying for others and all those things that are important to me (as well as to God!), but I just feel so stuck, like, as I've said before, wandering in the wilderness and I can't quite figure out how to get back on the pathway. I just seem incapable of focusing on deep stuff right now.
So, okay, I should just "rest in God's love" then until this season passes and I can crawl up out of the pit again. But I can't even seem to do that. I know in my heart, in my head, in my soul that God loves me. But right now I can't FEEL it very often and that makes it darned hard to "rest in His love." And I halfway feel like I'm abusing the gift of God's grace because I need it so darn freakin' much. Which is silly, but I grew up in a pretty legalistic church, and even though I have begun to realize that it's not about rules with God, it's about His unconditional grace, I still feel like it's possible to take advantage of that grace (in a bad way) and use that as a sort of excuse, or that I'm cheating to just depend on that and not be more actively doing things. Like right now, with all this sickness in my life, I feel like I should be thinking this: "God is refining me right now. I may not like how He's doing it, but I can trust that He knows what He's doing, that He is doing whatever it is He's doing for my ultimate good and that I can just let go and trust in His love and in His ways." Voila, right? Resting in His love. But I'm not there right now. I spent the better part of March yelling at God about the strep, then finally got over that and realized I do need to just trust Him, but even though I'm not mad at Him anymore and I have a certain level of trust, I am definitely not to the "Oh, goodie, this means I'm being refined and am growing as a human and in my trust in God" stage. I'm pretty much in an exhausted, beaten into the ground, boy-would-I-like-to-give-up, God-I-can't-feel-You-and-I-desperately-need-to phase.
I also have a lot of things I need to forgive, and as I've mentioned before, I have no idea how that works with some of the people and things I need to forgive. I am just totally clueless how to make that work, how to do it. My pastor says I just need to forgive them because I know how much God has forgiven me. But the sad thing is, I don't have a strong sense of just how much He has forgiven in my life. I've been a pretty good person all my life, with a couple of exceptions that were way back in the past, and I'm not connected to just what Jesus has done for me that way. I hate that! I feel so ungrateful and shallow. But I think for people who haven't had gigantic, horrible episodes of sin in their lives, who have pretty much just committed what the world thinks of as "small" sins, it's hard to grasp that it doesn't matter the magnitude of the sin, ALL sin is equally abhorrent in God's eyes, and even just one "tiny" sin is all it takes to separate us from God and make us unworthy. Nobody is good enough to please God and have a relationship with Him. The only way we can do that is by accepting the work Jesus did for us on the cross. It's only because God sees us through the "curtain" of Jesus' atoning blood that we can come to God and have a relationship with Him. It's kinda like God puts on His "Jesus glasses" to look at us. Fortunately, the "Jesus glasses" are permanent. But what I'm trying to say here is that I am no better than anyone else, and so I should be able to realize that and forgive others as God has forgiven me.
Except that that's really, really hard.
Guess that makes me a pretty selfish person.
Anyway, those are the things I'm struggling with today. Among lots of other stuff.
I'm too tired to work on anything today. Deeply, face-down on the battlefield covered in blood kind of tired. I so hope God understands that.
And, basically it's this: I'm incredibly frustrated with my spiritual life right now. I'm too tired to be "actively growing" in my relationship with Christ, physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now. I don't want to be like this, I really want to be growing closer to Him and keeping my eyes on Him instead of on my own self and my problems, but in all honesty it's just hard to look up right now. When you're sick a lot (or at least this is true for me), it's hard to look past yourself and how awful you're feeling. It's not a whiny "poor, pitiful me" kind of deal, it's more like being beaten into the ground and not being able to look up. (I just spent a really nasty week with something called "ischemic colitis" which causes lower abdominal pain and passing blood -- not fun, and I mean, seriously, what is with all these stupid illnesses coming one after the other?) I want to move past all this and be able to get back into Bible study and be really praying for others and all those things that are important to me (as well as to God!), but I just feel so stuck, like, as I've said before, wandering in the wilderness and I can't quite figure out how to get back on the pathway. I just seem incapable of focusing on deep stuff right now.
So, okay, I should just "rest in God's love" then until this season passes and I can crawl up out of the pit again. But I can't even seem to do that. I know in my heart, in my head, in my soul that God loves me. But right now I can't FEEL it very often and that makes it darned hard to "rest in His love." And I halfway feel like I'm abusing the gift of God's grace because I need it so darn freakin' much. Which is silly, but I grew up in a pretty legalistic church, and even though I have begun to realize that it's not about rules with God, it's about His unconditional grace, I still feel like it's possible to take advantage of that grace (in a bad way) and use that as a sort of excuse, or that I'm cheating to just depend on that and not be more actively doing things. Like right now, with all this sickness in my life, I feel like I should be thinking this: "God is refining me right now. I may not like how He's doing it, but I can trust that He knows what He's doing, that He is doing whatever it is He's doing for my ultimate good and that I can just let go and trust in His love and in His ways." Voila, right? Resting in His love. But I'm not there right now. I spent the better part of March yelling at God about the strep, then finally got over that and realized I do need to just trust Him, but even though I'm not mad at Him anymore and I have a certain level of trust, I am definitely not to the "Oh, goodie, this means I'm being refined and am growing as a human and in my trust in God" stage. I'm pretty much in an exhausted, beaten into the ground, boy-would-I-like-to-give-up, God-I-can't-feel-You-and-I-desperately-need-to phase.
I also have a lot of things I need to forgive, and as I've mentioned before, I have no idea how that works with some of the people and things I need to forgive. I am just totally clueless how to make that work, how to do it. My pastor says I just need to forgive them because I know how much God has forgiven me. But the sad thing is, I don't have a strong sense of just how much He has forgiven in my life. I've been a pretty good person all my life, with a couple of exceptions that were way back in the past, and I'm not connected to just what Jesus has done for me that way. I hate that! I feel so ungrateful and shallow. But I think for people who haven't had gigantic, horrible episodes of sin in their lives, who have pretty much just committed what the world thinks of as "small" sins, it's hard to grasp that it doesn't matter the magnitude of the sin, ALL sin is equally abhorrent in God's eyes, and even just one "tiny" sin is all it takes to separate us from God and make us unworthy. Nobody is good enough to please God and have a relationship with Him. The only way we can do that is by accepting the work Jesus did for us on the cross. It's only because God sees us through the "curtain" of Jesus' atoning blood that we can come to God and have a relationship with Him. It's kinda like God puts on His "Jesus glasses" to look at us. Fortunately, the "Jesus glasses" are permanent. But what I'm trying to say here is that I am no better than anyone else, and so I should be able to realize that and forgive others as God has forgiven me.
Except that that's really, really hard.
Guess that makes me a pretty selfish person.
Anyway, those are the things I'm struggling with today. Among lots of other stuff.
I'm too tired to work on anything today. Deeply, face-down on the battlefield covered in blood kind of tired. I so hope God understands that.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Well, it has been awhile!
I've been through a lot in the last several months, mostly health-wise, so I haven't really kept this blog up as I had hoped.
As far as I know, none of my health issues are life-threatening, but they have certainly screwed up my quality of life to the point that I am at the absolute bottom emotionally and spiritually. I am overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and depressed. I feel as though I have lost myself. Not as in "eternally damned" lost (I believe my salvation is secure), but as in "wandering in the wilderness" type of lost. I feel so far away from God right now, and I also feel like my mind is just not in a good place. It's hard to work on your spiritual life, your relationship with Christ, when you can't think well, and when you do think it's not incredibly positive or rational. I sorta feel like I need to start over, just need to get back to basic truths. I haven't been to a Bible study in years (partly because of my chronic fatigue, partly because the praise team I'm on rehearses during Sunday morning Bible study, partly because our pastor stopped teaching Sunday Bible study, and he was awesome ... the guy who took over was not). I feel disconnected from all the things (spiritually) that are so important to me.
My pastor (who my family is good friends with) sent me an e-mail the other day asking if I had ever forgiven the boyfriend who emotionally abused me in my mid-20s. I have, of course, but it never "sticks" well. I'll think I've forgiven him and then something from that era will pop into my head and I'll have to wrestle with it again. It's not as bad as it used to be, and I've had counseling for it, but I don't think I'll ever get over the scars it left. I think I don't fully understand what forgiveness means. In my head, it includes absolution, as in "That's okay, don't worry about it." Or as in "I know you didn't mean it." This guy left me broken, bruised, shattered and scarred emotionally in such a deep, all-consuming way that I could never possibly say, "All is forgiven" in that smiley, happy way that I think of when I hear that phrase. I need to know how to forgive what he did to me while knowing I can never absolve him of destroying my life at that time. Something I need to work on.
So ... I know I need to do something, find some way of re-connecting with God. I'm just so tired, and tired of the struggle. I have begged God over and over to heal me, yelled at Him because He didn't, then repented of all that because I know He is God and He is sovereign, and His ways are not my ways. But I think that, in all that struggle, I got so beaten down that I can't even get back to all the truths I know about God. I mean in terms of "feeling" them, in grasping them all and applying them to my life. I am burnt out from the struggle. I definitely love God and trust Him as my savior, still. I just don't know how to get out of this wilderness.
I am so thankful for the verses that remind us that, even when we are faithless to Him, He remains faithful to us. (I don't know where to find that verse -- I tried biblegateway.com, but didn't find it searching under the phrase "he remains faithful." But it is a real verse, my mother quoted it to me just a couple of days ago and I know I've seen it.) I need heaps of His grace right now!
Edited to add: Well, duh, I just went and read the post I made before this one -- I didn't mean to almost exactly repeat a lot of what I said there. Maybe I should read my last post before I post a new one!
As far as I know, none of my health issues are life-threatening, but they have certainly screwed up my quality of life to the point that I am at the absolute bottom emotionally and spiritually. I am overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and depressed. I feel as though I have lost myself. Not as in "eternally damned" lost (I believe my salvation is secure), but as in "wandering in the wilderness" type of lost. I feel so far away from God right now, and I also feel like my mind is just not in a good place. It's hard to work on your spiritual life, your relationship with Christ, when you can't think well, and when you do think it's not incredibly positive or rational. I sorta feel like I need to start over, just need to get back to basic truths. I haven't been to a Bible study in years (partly because of my chronic fatigue, partly because the praise team I'm on rehearses during Sunday morning Bible study, partly because our pastor stopped teaching Sunday Bible study, and he was awesome ... the guy who took over was not). I feel disconnected from all the things (spiritually) that are so important to me.
My pastor (who my family is good friends with) sent me an e-mail the other day asking if I had ever forgiven the boyfriend who emotionally abused me in my mid-20s. I have, of course, but it never "sticks" well. I'll think I've forgiven him and then something from that era will pop into my head and I'll have to wrestle with it again. It's not as bad as it used to be, and I've had counseling for it, but I don't think I'll ever get over the scars it left. I think I don't fully understand what forgiveness means. In my head, it includes absolution, as in "That's okay, don't worry about it." Or as in "I know you didn't mean it." This guy left me broken, bruised, shattered and scarred emotionally in such a deep, all-consuming way that I could never possibly say, "All is forgiven" in that smiley, happy way that I think of when I hear that phrase. I need to know how to forgive what he did to me while knowing I can never absolve him of destroying my life at that time. Something I need to work on.
So ... I know I need to do something, find some way of re-connecting with God. I'm just so tired, and tired of the struggle. I have begged God over and over to heal me, yelled at Him because He didn't, then repented of all that because I know He is God and He is sovereign, and His ways are not my ways. But I think that, in all that struggle, I got so beaten down that I can't even get back to all the truths I know about God. I mean in terms of "feeling" them, in grasping them all and applying them to my life. I am burnt out from the struggle. I definitely love God and trust Him as my savior, still. I just don't know how to get out of this wilderness.
I am so thankful for the verses that remind us that, even when we are faithless to Him, He remains faithful to us. (I don't know where to find that verse -- I tried biblegateway.com, but didn't find it searching under the phrase "he remains faithful." But it is a real verse, my mother quoted it to me just a couple of days ago and I know I've seen it.) I need heaps of His grace right now!
Edited to add: Well, duh, I just went and read the post I made before this one -- I didn't mean to almost exactly repeat a lot of what I said there. Maybe I should read my last post before I post a new one!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What the heck?
I am going through one of the toughest (if not THE toughest) spiritual crises of my life right now. I'm having a hard time with God right now, I'll be honest. Not walking away or ditching my faith by any stretch, but definitely wrestling with a lot of things.
I have had a recurring bout of Strep Throat since January 30. It is now March 25, so this is almost two months. I'm on round four of antibiotics (which end tomorrow). The pattern has been that I do antibiotics, and within two days of finishing them the strep is back. Since I take my last of this round tomorrow, I may be actively sick again by the end of the weekend. Or, since I also had a Bicillin shot last week, I may not. Who knows?
This has really pushed my faith to the edge. I know, to some of you it may not sound like much, but I essentially have NO LIFE whatsoever now. It was a pretty "thin" life before the strep, since I'd been sick a lot this fall/winter, and even when I'm not sick I'm exhausted. The fall/winter sickies have been going on for three years (mostly chronic sinus infections), and the exhaustion has been around in varying degrees for probably nearly 20 years.
And I'm tired of it. As the lyrics to one of Phil Joel's songs says, "She was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired." Yep. That'd be me.
What I'm struggling with is what in heaven's name God is trying to accomplish in all this. He will not heal me (at least He hasn't yet). I've had the elders of my church over to anoint me with oil and pray over me -- which, at least on the surface, accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, it did shake my faith pretty hard when nothing happened. In my limited human capacity for understanding this makes no sense at all.
I know, I know, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding ..." I'm trying. I really am. More than anything I want to be one of those people who says, "Lord, I don't like this, but I trust that You have a reason and a purpose for this suffering and I will bow my will to Yours and accept it." I haven't reached that place yet. Right now I'm at the, "Lord, I know You have a reason and a purpose for this ridiculous suffering I'm going through right now, but I'd sure as heck like to know what it is because I certainly can't see what's positive or good about it" stage. To me this chronic illness thing is ridiculous suffering. It isn't noble, it doesn't help anybody out, in fact, it just makes me a burden to my family. I feel so sorry for my husband -- he's always so stressed out from work and his own health issues, and then he has me to deal with into the bargain. Aidan is too busy with his own stuff most of the time to be actively inconvenienced by my poor health, but I do feel sorry for him that he has a mother who spends 90% of her time lying on the couch feeling rotten. I'm not suffering for Christ in any way I can see. And I'm not exactly growing closer to Him through this, either, at least not right now. So it's hard to see the purpose in this stupid chronically poor immune system I have.
I'm struggling with God feeling so far away. As I said, I haven't walked away from Him, I've been trying to keep up a good relationship with Him, but it's very hard to do when you feel too physically bad most of the time to make much effort. And there's major brain fog involved, too, so Bible study/reading isn't very productive. I know it sounds like I'm having a giant pity party, but I'm having trouble seeing God as very "fatherly" right now. I want so badly for Him to draw near to me and be comforting, but I don't feel that very often. Mostly He just feels distant.
I know that my life is MUCH better than an awful lot of people's. I don't have cancer (that I know of), or any other debilitating illness. I'm not in the throes of grief over losing someone close to me, thankfully. I have a nice house, my husband has his job, my teenager is a good kid. (It almost scares me to write that stuff down ...!) And I am exceedingly grateful for these things. But I am not able to go and do things "normal" people can do (like grocery shop or sing on the Praise Team at my church), and that's difficult.
I know God is sovereign. I know He has a perfect will, and that He knows what is best for me. I know He loves me and I know that "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord ..." So I'm holding on. Some days I hold on with everything I have, other days I don't have much to hold with. I have struggled with a killer migraine today and that has made it incredibly hard to hold on. I have thought several times about ending my life, but I know that would destroy my family and because I love them better than I love myself, I am sticking around for them. But, oh, some days that is hard. Some days that is incredibly, amazingly hard.
So I'm choosing to be a person of faith. I will not walk away from God, no matter how hard the going gets. But that doesn't mean I like where I am right now, and that doesn't mean I won't have times when I struggle to understand God's purpose for me, when I struggle to even feel the love He has for me. That doesn't mean I can always say, "I know God is doing what's best." Yes, I know He is, but right now I really, really don't understand it.
As Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." Some days that is a true sacrifice of praise. (He definitely deserves it, though -- that I still recognize!)
I have had a recurring bout of Strep Throat since January 30. It is now March 25, so this is almost two months. I'm on round four of antibiotics (which end tomorrow). The pattern has been that I do antibiotics, and within two days of finishing them the strep is back. Since I take my last of this round tomorrow, I may be actively sick again by the end of the weekend. Or, since I also had a Bicillin shot last week, I may not. Who knows?
This has really pushed my faith to the edge. I know, to some of you it may not sound like much, but I essentially have NO LIFE whatsoever now. It was a pretty "thin" life before the strep, since I'd been sick a lot this fall/winter, and even when I'm not sick I'm exhausted. The fall/winter sickies have been going on for three years (mostly chronic sinus infections), and the exhaustion has been around in varying degrees for probably nearly 20 years.
And I'm tired of it. As the lyrics to one of Phil Joel's songs says, "She was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired." Yep. That'd be me.
What I'm struggling with is what in heaven's name God is trying to accomplish in all this. He will not heal me (at least He hasn't yet). I've had the elders of my church over to anoint me with oil and pray over me -- which, at least on the surface, accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, it did shake my faith pretty hard when nothing happened. In my limited human capacity for understanding this makes no sense at all.
I know, I know, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding ..." I'm trying. I really am. More than anything I want to be one of those people who says, "Lord, I don't like this, but I trust that You have a reason and a purpose for this suffering and I will bow my will to Yours and accept it." I haven't reached that place yet. Right now I'm at the, "Lord, I know You have a reason and a purpose for this ridiculous suffering I'm going through right now, but I'd sure as heck like to know what it is because I certainly can't see what's positive or good about it" stage. To me this chronic illness thing is ridiculous suffering. It isn't noble, it doesn't help anybody out, in fact, it just makes me a burden to my family. I feel so sorry for my husband -- he's always so stressed out from work and his own health issues, and then he has me to deal with into the bargain. Aidan is too busy with his own stuff most of the time to be actively inconvenienced by my poor health, but I do feel sorry for him that he has a mother who spends 90% of her time lying on the couch feeling rotten. I'm not suffering for Christ in any way I can see. And I'm not exactly growing closer to Him through this, either, at least not right now. So it's hard to see the purpose in this stupid chronically poor immune system I have.
I'm struggling with God feeling so far away. As I said, I haven't walked away from Him, I've been trying to keep up a good relationship with Him, but it's very hard to do when you feel too physically bad most of the time to make much effort. And there's major brain fog involved, too, so Bible study/reading isn't very productive. I know it sounds like I'm having a giant pity party, but I'm having trouble seeing God as very "fatherly" right now. I want so badly for Him to draw near to me and be comforting, but I don't feel that very often. Mostly He just feels distant.
I know that my life is MUCH better than an awful lot of people's. I don't have cancer (that I know of), or any other debilitating illness. I'm not in the throes of grief over losing someone close to me, thankfully. I have a nice house, my husband has his job, my teenager is a good kid. (It almost scares me to write that stuff down ...!) And I am exceedingly grateful for these things. But I am not able to go and do things "normal" people can do (like grocery shop or sing on the Praise Team at my church), and that's difficult.
I know God is sovereign. I know He has a perfect will, and that He knows what is best for me. I know He loves me and I know that "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord ..." So I'm holding on. Some days I hold on with everything I have, other days I don't have much to hold with. I have struggled with a killer migraine today and that has made it incredibly hard to hold on. I have thought several times about ending my life, but I know that would destroy my family and because I love them better than I love myself, I am sticking around for them. But, oh, some days that is hard. Some days that is incredibly, amazingly hard.
So I'm choosing to be a person of faith. I will not walk away from God, no matter how hard the going gets. But that doesn't mean I like where I am right now, and that doesn't mean I won't have times when I struggle to understand God's purpose for me, when I struggle to even feel the love He has for me. That doesn't mean I can always say, "I know God is doing what's best." Yes, I know He is, but right now I really, really don't understand it.
As Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." Some days that is a true sacrifice of praise. (He definitely deserves it, though -- that I still recognize!)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Well, it's been awhile!
I don't know that there's any particular reason I haven't posted here in awhile. Maybe I haven't felt "wise" enough or something! lol
As always, with all of us, still trying to figure out my own Christian walk. We've decided (okay, I decided for us -- my family) that we're going to go through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest this year. If you haven't heard of it, it's a very challenging devotional written by a very brilliant minister (Wikipedia calls him "a prominent early twentieth century Scottish Protestant Christian minister and teacher"). I say brilliant because his writing is a bit difficult! lol There is an "updated" version of the book out now, in more "friendly" modern English, but I prefer the older one. It makes you stop and think more. Anyway, into Day 12, and it's definitely challenging my faith! One of the hardest concepts I'm dealing with right now is "my obedience to God will affect others" and not always in a "happy" way. This is tough for me in a number of ways, but especially since I'm dealing with pre-Empty Nest syndrome. Aidan will be going off to college in the Fall of 2011, and so far we don't know where that will be. Up until recently the University of Texas was his #1 option. He says it still is, but suddenly he's looking at out-of-state universities, too (partially due to the "encouragement" of a teacher, which makes me mad, and means I have to deal with that issue -- the anger -- too!). I don't want him to go out-of-state. I want him right here in Texas, and I want him CLOSE, so UT is my first and only choice for him! However, it might not be God's choice. And even more than I want my own way, I want Aidan to be in God's will, so if that means the University of Chicago or Arizona or whatever, then that's where he needs to go. Even if it rips my heart out. And it will, trust me.
So -- should God want Aidan somewhere other than UT, and Aidan obeys Him (which I most definitely want him to do), it will certainly affect me, it will HURT me (which is the main meaning of the "affect" part of this concept). Not in a pouty, bitter way, but in a heart-ripped-out-of-my-chest way. I like this kid! I don't want him to be so far away from home that we'll only see him two or three times a year! I want him to come home every weekend for me to wash his clothes! lol But, no, as I said, more than I want that, I want him to be Where and Who (whom?) God wants him to be.
Bleah. Life gets so complicated! Sorting through my faith and working it out gets so complicated. I really do wish sometimes that I could be more "simple" in my faith -- just be the kind of person who can peacefully and contentedly say, "God is in control," and just go with that. But, no, I have to fight God, fight myself, argue, whine, wheedle, beg, etc. That's not a very peaceful way to be. This whole "dying to self" concept -- yeah, NOT an easy thing, and I'll be working on it for quite some time, I know. Which is annoying, because that means God will continue to test me on it. He does that with everyone, I'm sure, no matter how "simple" they may be in their faith. I'm sure even Billy Graham gets tested on this. But wouldn't it be lovely if I could just step back a moment, take a deep breath, remember God's continual faithfulness to me and my family, and say, "Lord, You're in charge and I trust You." Yeah, TRUST. Man, that's a difficult word!
So, here it is 2010 and I don't think I've made much progress spiritually over the last several years. But I do want to! I'm hoping this devotional will stand me face-to-face with myself in such a way that I get over myself and start really, truly living for Christ. Prayers would be much appreciated! ... :-)
As always, with all of us, still trying to figure out my own Christian walk. We've decided (okay, I decided for us -- my family) that we're going to go through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest this year. If you haven't heard of it, it's a very challenging devotional written by a very brilliant minister (Wikipedia calls him "a prominent early twentieth century Scottish Protestant Christian minister and teacher"). I say brilliant because his writing is a bit difficult! lol There is an "updated" version of the book out now, in more "friendly" modern English, but I prefer the older one. It makes you stop and think more. Anyway, into Day 12, and it's definitely challenging my faith! One of the hardest concepts I'm dealing with right now is "my obedience to God will affect others" and not always in a "happy" way. This is tough for me in a number of ways, but especially since I'm dealing with pre-Empty Nest syndrome. Aidan will be going off to college in the Fall of 2011, and so far we don't know where that will be. Up until recently the University of Texas was his #1 option. He says it still is, but suddenly he's looking at out-of-state universities, too (partially due to the "encouragement" of a teacher, which makes me mad, and means I have to deal with that issue -- the anger -- too!). I don't want him to go out-of-state. I want him right here in Texas, and I want him CLOSE, so UT is my first and only choice for him! However, it might not be God's choice. And even more than I want my own way, I want Aidan to be in God's will, so if that means the University of Chicago or Arizona or whatever, then that's where he needs to go. Even if it rips my heart out. And it will, trust me.
So -- should God want Aidan somewhere other than UT, and Aidan obeys Him (which I most definitely want him to do), it will certainly affect me, it will HURT me (which is the main meaning of the "affect" part of this concept). Not in a pouty, bitter way, but in a heart-ripped-out-of-my-chest way. I like this kid! I don't want him to be so far away from home that we'll only see him two or three times a year! I want him to come home every weekend for me to wash his clothes! lol But, no, as I said, more than I want that, I want him to be Where and Who (whom?) God wants him to be.
Bleah. Life gets so complicated! Sorting through my faith and working it out gets so complicated. I really do wish sometimes that I could be more "simple" in my faith -- just be the kind of person who can peacefully and contentedly say, "God is in control," and just go with that. But, no, I have to fight God, fight myself, argue, whine, wheedle, beg, etc. That's not a very peaceful way to be. This whole "dying to self" concept -- yeah, NOT an easy thing, and I'll be working on it for quite some time, I know. Which is annoying, because that means God will continue to test me on it. He does that with everyone, I'm sure, no matter how "simple" they may be in their faith. I'm sure even Billy Graham gets tested on this. But wouldn't it be lovely if I could just step back a moment, take a deep breath, remember God's continual faithfulness to me and my family, and say, "Lord, You're in charge and I trust You." Yeah, TRUST. Man, that's a difficult word!
So, here it is 2010 and I don't think I've made much progress spiritually over the last several years. But I do want to! I'm hoping this devotional will stand me face-to-face with myself in such a way that I get over myself and start really, truly living for Christ. Prayers would be much appreciated! ... :-)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Just watch it ...
... this skit, I mean. Thanks to Lynn for posting it on Facebook. I don't know how long it will take me to "get" this, to understand it, to "own" it. But I'm going to keep trying until I do!
God's Chisel
You don't have to buy it -- the preview is what I saw and it's pretty powerful. Hope it makes an impact on your life!
God's Chisel
You don't have to buy it -- the preview is what I saw and it's pretty powerful. Hope it makes an impact on your life!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Wilderness
So, I guess you can tell by my title where I've been lately. I don't know what's happened, but I have been less-than-inspired lately, not "feeling" God, dry as the lake bed near here is going to be if we don't get some rain soon. Yeah, I feel like I'm in a spiritual drought just as much as Central Texas is in a physical drought.
The thing with droughts (at least spiritual ones) is that they tend to feed off themselves. Not inspired? Won't spend much time in the Bible. Not "feeling" God? Probably won't pray as much, or it will be more rote and less from the heart. And so it has been with me.
Plus my husband is going through "yet another" emotional/spiritual/whatever crisis. I'm worn out from trying to figure that all out, trying to be a good, supportive wife when I really want to run the other direction screaming on his bad days. I love him, I really do. I just don't have anything in the reservoir these days.
So I have been praying for God to help me out of this wilderness. I know I don't absolutely HAVE to "feel" Him in my life, though being a person who runs on their emotions, it would sure be nice! But I want to care! I want to care again about absorbing God's Word into my life, into my heart, into my brain, rather than just reading the Bible and saying, "Okey dokey, I can check that off the list today." I want to care about TALKING with God instead of just sorta handing Him my prayer request list and saying, "There Ya go, Lord, can You please take care of these?"
Some of this is, I think, health related. When you're exhausted because you didn't really "sleep" all night, but rather spent it doing all sorts of weird stuff in an alternate universe, it makes it hard to concentrate on anything, much less on things you know you're supposed to be really getting something from. But part of it is, I suspect, a lack of real effort on my part. I'm not going to any Bible studies, not going to Sunday School (we have praise team rehearsal during that time, although it's really supposed to start earlier), none of that. That helps me concentrate better than just a quick Sunday sermon (no matter how great) and the "daily reading" thing.
I'm glad God is a God of grace. I don't really know how to feel that a lot of the time. I'm too busy thinking how disappointed with me God must be. He probably just wants me to rest in His love for now. Wish I knew how to let go and do that!
The thing with droughts (at least spiritual ones) is that they tend to feed off themselves. Not inspired? Won't spend much time in the Bible. Not "feeling" God? Probably won't pray as much, or it will be more rote and less from the heart. And so it has been with me.
Plus my husband is going through "yet another" emotional/spiritual/whatever crisis. I'm worn out from trying to figure that all out, trying to be a good, supportive wife when I really want to run the other direction screaming on his bad days. I love him, I really do. I just don't have anything in the reservoir these days.
So I have been praying for God to help me out of this wilderness. I know I don't absolutely HAVE to "feel" Him in my life, though being a person who runs on their emotions, it would sure be nice! But I want to care! I want to care again about absorbing God's Word into my life, into my heart, into my brain, rather than just reading the Bible and saying, "Okey dokey, I can check that off the list today." I want to care about TALKING with God instead of just sorta handing Him my prayer request list and saying, "There Ya go, Lord, can You please take care of these?"
Some of this is, I think, health related. When you're exhausted because you didn't really "sleep" all night, but rather spent it doing all sorts of weird stuff in an alternate universe, it makes it hard to concentrate on anything, much less on things you know you're supposed to be really getting something from. But part of it is, I suspect, a lack of real effort on my part. I'm not going to any Bible studies, not going to Sunday School (we have praise team rehearsal during that time, although it's really supposed to start earlier), none of that. That helps me concentrate better than just a quick Sunday sermon (no matter how great) and the "daily reading" thing.
I'm glad God is a God of grace. I don't really know how to feel that a lot of the time. I'm too busy thinking how disappointed with me God must be. He probably just wants me to rest in His love for now. Wish I knew how to let go and do that!
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