Just a quick post tonight ...

There is SO much I want to write about, but it's really late and I don't have time to do everything I want to say justice, so I'll save that for later. It's been a really, really tough week, but God has been working, and I'll just say one thing -- all those people who used to tell me I should have praise and worship music playing in the house were so RIGHT! I tried that on Saturday and it was so cool the difference it made, both in the general atmosphere of the house and in my heart and spirit!

So tonight I'm just going to post my scrapbook layout for the Faithbooking project I'm leading on the Paper Craft Planet site (the group I head is called SHINE Christian Crafters' Challenge). It's a digital layout, which I guess is kinda "cheating" or something at a site called PAPER Craft Planet, but I had to use digital to get the effects I wanted, so, hey, ya do whatcha gotta do, right?

So here it is. The pages are supposed to go side-by-side, but you can't really see them well (too small) if I post them that way here, so the left one will be on top, and the right one on the bottom. The topic is "Struggles and Scars":



That's me about 20 years ago on the merry-go-round at the elementary school where I went growing up. It's a self-portrait, taken during the aftermath/fallout of a 3-1/2 year long relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Yeah, I have scars from that that are still there today. Probably always will be. Dude was surgically precise with his abuse and knew how to cut very deeply.

Anyway ... that was then. This is now! (Praise God!)

One more quick thing. See this beautiful lady?

This is my Granny. She passed away exactly a year ago today (March 22), at age 95. Such an amazing woman. We all miss her so much! But we know she is totally enjoying being in Heaven with my Granddaddy and, better yet, with her wonderful Savior whom she loved (loves) with all her heart.

Okay, it's late, Aidan's calling for me to come say goodnight, so I've gotta run. More later!

Bruised reeds and smoldering wicks

I'm going to post this "old" writing of mine from 2006, not so much because I'm feeling better about life, but because I need to be reminded that He does listen, I do hear, and I'm not always wandering in the desert refusing to be comforted!

This was from January 17, 2006 in my deliberatePeople Bible-reading journal:

Standout verse:Genesis 35:3b
This verse really stands out to me in my readings today, Abba. "...God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone." Yes this is You, my God! You are so good and faithful to always be with me and to always answer me when I cry out in distress -- even if the distress is self-inflicted. You come to me, wrap Your strong, beautiful arms around me and remind me of Your love for me, and then, if I need it (and I often do), You gently, lovingly show me what I need to do to get back on track. How I love You for that! How I love and appreciate You for always being with me!

Matthew 12:20 -- I have always loved this verse about You, Jesus, and it goes along perfectly with what I just wrote: "A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out." I am so thankful for Your tender mercies, for the way that You are so gentle with us when we're suffering, when we're struggling! You don't take us when we're down and crack us over Your knee. You tenderly bind us up and strengthen us. And when "this little light of mine" is just barely there, merely a hint of blue on the wick, You don't get frustrated with us and blow us out completely, but rather You cup Your hands around us and blow Your breath gently on us until the flame is fanned up and burning brightly again. How precious and loving You are! Oh, breathe on me, breathe O breath of God! Breathe on me 'til my heart is new! Take my heart and cleanse every part of it, Holy Spirit! Fill me up again and purify me!

I am a very bruised reed right now, Abba. A very, very dimly burning flame. Please help me stop seeing you so darkly. Please help me see you as I did then, as loving and gentle. Oh, Abba, bind me up, blow the breath of your loving Spirit over me until I can stand again. And, oh, forgive my hurting, accusing heart!

Not a "good little trooper"

This has been a tough few days. I suppose that's to be expected after posting about refining. I got to go to church on Sunday and ACTUALLY SING on the praise team for the first time in, like, three months (I took a mini leave-of-absence because of my sinus issues). It was so awesome! I loved every minute of it, I felt close to God, I sat there and praised Him and told Him I really wanted to make a fresh start and get totally back on track with Him, etc. I meant it. With every fiber of my being. It was such a great day.

And then Monday morning I woke up sick again. Mild fever, achy, totally, completely exhausted, and, of course, sinusy. And I just went spiralling back down into the blackest of pits. And it seemed like everything in my life was just WRONG, not just the chronic sinus thing.

So this week has been a huge struggle. God and I have had some pretty heavy talks (okay, I did most of the talking). I told Him I'm TIRED of being refined. I'm not doing a very good job of being refined, anyway. I'm not sure there really is much silver in there. (Apparently He has a different opinion.) I'm tired of being sick. Not like that's a huge revelation. I'm tired of being a crummy wife because I can't take care of anything when I feel like this ... wait, have I posted this exact same thing before, just a couple of weeks ago? Um, yes, I did.

So this has got to be spiritual warfare. I know it is, even if some of you may say it's just whiney old me! lol

Anyway, I confess to very, very dark thoughts about this world's need of having me in it. I do that from time to time. I would never act on those thoughts, but it takes me quite some time to work through them. This is usually when I do my "yelling" at God. Not actually vocally, but definitely internally. I'm glad that I'm confident He can take it. He got an earful last night. I mean, honestly, sometimes I don't understand why He doesn't just STEP IN and DO SOMETHING. Immediate. Miraculous. Not just about the stupid sinuses, but about life.

And then the morning comes and I feel better. (I'm very grateful for mornings.) Not entirely "all better," but acceptably okay. I still don't understand why God won't just FIX the things that get all knotted up in my head and my heart and make me so depressed. I know there are other people involved ... is it okay for me to want them to change? Do I have to be the only one who does any changing? 'Cause clearly, I'm not doing a very good job of it, here, and I could use some major help.

Whoops ... backtracked. Anyway, as I was saying, I know God knows best. I trust Him to know what He's doing. He's God, after all. He's got the Big Picture, the Ultimate Agenda. He, according to the Bible, loves me. And I've had lots of proof of that in my life. I still have trouble believing it sometimes, but it's true. That doesn't always make me feel all perky and Pollyanna, though. Sometimes His will is tough. Lots of times I just flat don't understand it. ("Just flat ..." Can you tell I'm a Native Texan?) Many, many times I buck against it, chafe about it, whine A LOT, and just really wish God would privilege me with more details than He's given. But in the end, I have to say along with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 1:4-5)

(I'm not saying that like I'm standing up on a big rock proclaiming it to the world. I'm saying it like I'm sitting on the rock with my head in my hands, HAVING to say it because I know there is no other way for my heart to respond.)

I love God. He is MY God, my rock, my salvation, my fortress, my deliverer and my sustainer. (Despite what I feel sometimes, though, I really do hope He doesn't slay me!)

God, I beg You ... smile!

So, today has not been a good day. Not just an "off day," but not good for ongoing, frustrating, upsetting, seemingly never-ending and hopeless reasons. So tonight I picked up one of my recent journals and found some verses from Psalm 119 in The Message version of the Bible that had spoken to my heart one day and I had written down. They speak to me tonight, too. So here are some of them:

Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?

... train me well in Your deep wisdom. Help me understand these things inside and out.

... build me up again by Your Word.

Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with Your clear revelation. I choose the road to Somewhere.

... God, don't let me down! I'll run the course You lay out for me if You'll just show me how.

I beg You from the bottom of my heart: smile, be gracious to me just as You promised!

Oh, love me -- and right now! -- hold me tight! just the way You promised. Now comfort me so I can live, really live ...

In Your great love revive me so I can alertly obey Your every word.

... put me together again with Your Word.

Let my cry come right into Your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from Your Word.

Give my request Your personal attention; rescue me on the terms of Your promise.

... Invigorate my soul so I can praise You well.

Yes, God, again. Once again I find myself standing in this same place (or a similar one farther down the road), hurting again, angry again, confused and weary and all the stuff You already know so well. Angry because this isn't the life I signed up for. Hurting because ... well, You know why. Confused because I thought things were looking up again, but once again the Big Cloud comes and I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. I need to quit trying. It's not something I can fix, anyway, God, only You can, since there are other people involved and ... It's like hitting my head against a brick wall so I might as well just build one and protect my heart again, Y'know? I know, I'm giving in to the Enemy. I don't want to. I want to win, God, I really do, but this is too big for me. It has been for years. Help! Again.

So ... yeah, only You can get me on my feet again. I am trying to stay in Your Word, and I'm hoping that will "build me up again." But You definitely have to barricade that "road to Nowhere" that I keep trying to go down.

And honestly, Lord, sometimes I just have no clue how to run the course You lay out for me. I'd be happy to do it if You'd just show me how, just like the Psalmist asked.

I need You to smile on me again, God. I know, You have been, in lots of little ways and one or two big, totally unrelated ways, and I am SOOOO grateful for those! They definitely give me hope. I just need a Really Big smile, Abba. One I can see through the clouds. Because right now they're pretty thick. Help me remember to look up, though, too, Abba. To keep my eyes on You. Because I can't exactly see You smile if I'm not looking.