A detour into Malachi

In the past I have done the "read the Bible through in one year" thing, several times. Last year I got bogged down in Judges and Kings -- I was in a depressed place in life and all the nastiness going on in those books just finally got to me. So I decided that, for awhile, I would stick to the New Testament, with occasional forays into Psalms, Proverbs and Isaiah (I love the book of Isaiah, especially at the end). So I've been reading in Luke, but when I went to pick up my Bible today, it fell open to Malachi, chapters 3 and 4, and there was a LOT of underlining there, so I decided to see what I had underlined.

Good stuff!

The couple of things that really stood out to me today were:
3:8-9
Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me.
"But you ask, 'How do we rob you?'
"In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse — the whole nation of you — because you are robbing me.

Well, then! God has a way of being straight to the point, and He sure is in this verse! We try to keep up with tithing every month, not because it's a "law" but because we want to honor God and thank Him for being so very generous with us. But there are months when we're kinda late putting the tithe money into its special account. And months when we don't spend it all (we give a portion to our church, then use the rest for specific ministries we give to monthly, and then whatever is left over we use for special needs that come up -- giving to Haitian earthquake relief, giving extra, etc., as long as it's a Christian organization). I know God isn't going to zap us for being late or whatever, but I take the "giving back to God" thing very seriously, so I don't like messing with it. God is very clear in this passage that He will richly bless those who give back to Him, but those who neglect this important aspect of worship will be cursed. Not eternally -- those of us who belong to Him are safe from that -- but we sure won't receive the blessings that He wants to abundantly pour out on us. (This is not a "prosperity gospel" line of thought, BTW. God's blessings may not be material, they may be spiritual instead, or whatever way He chooses.)

The other verses that stood out to me were 3:16-17:

Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name. "They will be mine," says the LORD Almighty, "in the day when I make up my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as in compassion a man spares his son who serves him."

My favorite part of that is "the LORD listened and heard." I mean, stop and think about it -- God LISTENS to those who fear Him! ("Fear" here means a very powerful respect, like we hopefully have toward our own fathers, if they are worthy -- and God is definitely worthy! It doesn't mean "be afraid of," in the sense that we would fear Freddy Kruger.) God cares about every aspect of our lives. He listens when we talk to Him, but He also listens when we talk ABOUT Him. He likes to hear what we have to say about His faithfulness, His love, His compassion, His mercy, His salvation, etc., etc., etc. It's important to Him that we talk to each other about Him. Not only is that an act of worship, but it's an act of encouragement, of uplifting. It's an act of faith, too, when we're stuck in a place we don't like but we still talk about Him to each other, reminding each other of all He has done in our lives, of the amazing ways He works, of the beauty of His creation, all of that and more.

This is an easy one for me, because 1) I love to talk, and 2) I really love to talk about Jesus. I'm glad I have family and friends I can talk to about Him, those who understand and who "click" with what I'm saying, those who talk back to me about Him and what He's doing in their lives, what He means to them.

And I LOVE it when God reminds us in His word that we are HIS! That is the most beautiful affirmation ever.

So, as you go about your life today, remember to talk with other believers about the Lord, about how much you love Him, about all the many ways He has blessed you and protected you and helped you through life's junk. He is worthy of our praise all day long, whether it's through "official worship" (praise songs, praise Scriptures, etc.), or "just" by reminding each other of His total awesomeness.

His richest blessings be upon you today!

Asleep in the light

Today I read Luke 9:28-36, the story of Christ's transfiguration. (A quick aside -- I usually prefer using the name "Jesus" over the name "Christ." For some reason saying "Christ" sounds like I'm using His last name and is less personal! lol) Of course, being a Christian I've read/heard this story a billion times: Jesus goes up the mountain with Peter, James and John (his best mates, as it were), Jesus gets all shiny-glowy and Moses and Elijah show up. They have a chat about the fact that Jesus is going to be coming Home soon, the Best Mates suddenly realize what's going on, Peter says some lame things (as he typically does), God speaks, and the show's over.

Despite my flippant re-telling, it was a pretty amazing moment, I'm sure! You have to wonder if sometimes this didn't happen when nobody was around, when Jesus was praying. Did some of the Old Testament bigwigs typically show up to discuss how things were going with Jesus? It's an interesting thought.

So, anyway, yeah, the story is all about Jesus revealing his glory to earthly people. And it's about how they/we don't get it a lot of the time. And it's about God once again verbally letting humans know who this Jesus guy really is. And it's about how the Glory Moments in our lives are usually pretty short-lived.

So I thought it was kinda interesting that the verse that stood out to me today was verse 32: "Peter and his companions were very sleepy, but when they became fully awake, they saw his glory ..." That doesn't seem like it would be a "standout verse," does it?

But when I read it, I thought, yep, that's us. Or at least it's me. I spend a lot of my time being "spiritually sleepy" -- kinda sluggish, just wanting to be comfortable and left alone, really (not by Jesus, but just not having to get involved in too much). I get complacent, and I forget Who I'm traveling with. And then occasionally I wake up and when I do, boy do I see His glory and realize exactly who it is I'm traveling through this life with! On those altogether too rare occasions, Jesus radiates such glory it's enough to rock me back on my pins. Mind-blowing. Earth-shaking. And incredibly, incredibly humbling. He is the King of Glory, really. He is majestic, powerful, brilliant, scary as all get-out. And He is loving, compassionate, welcoming, all at the same time.

One of my favorite Bible verses is in Hebrews (Hebrews is another one of those totally amazing books), Chapter 2, verse 3: "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of His being, sustaining all things by His powerful word." Don't you love that? "The radiance of God's glory." Think about it for a minute.

There's a song by Tree63 that says, "He is the answer to the question, He is the cure for the infection, He is all He says He is; He is the absolute reflection of holiness and true perfection, He is all He says He is." (Awesome song, it really rocks out, and that is important to me, lol.)

So, if I could just stay awake long enough to let this incredible glory-ness of Jesus shine into my life for more than two seconds at a time, think what that would do! Just think what that constant realization of just who it is I really follow would do to my life! I can't even begin to imagine the ways it would change me.

But, alas, I'm comfortable being asleep most of the time. It's kinda cozy, kinda easy. Well, way easier than walking around in God's glory. And how totally sad is that?

Lord Jesus, please wake me up! Please keep me awake! Forgive me for being so comfortable here in my "asleep" state, forgive me for not wanting to make much of an effort to wake up. Please remind me over and over of how glorious You are, of WHO you are, and let that knowledge and that experience change me into the person you want me to be. Help me to want that above all things, Lord! In all honesty, Jesus, I think that's gonna be hard work on both our parts, but please never give up on me, never give up on making me who You want me to be. I like to be comfortable, Lord. Please help me want to be like you more than I want to be left alone to be asleep.

Being deliberate

So today I thought I would "be deliberate" in my Bible reading -- as in Phil Joel's "deliberatePeople" website/idea. It's just basically choosing a "standout verse" in your daily reading and journaling about it. He has a specific reading plan that I followed for a couple of years, but this year I'm more or less "meandering" through the Bible, mostly the New Testament. (Does it make me a bad Christian if I admit that I find most of the Old Testament depressing? It's important stuff, of course, and you can't just say, "Oh, I'm all about the New Testament, the Old is passe," or whatever. But sometimes I just can't read it day after day, especially in, like, the book of Judges or Kings. I do, however, absolutely LOVE Isaiah.)

Anyway, so I read Luke 9:1-17. In this passage Jesus empowers his disciples and sends them out to preach and heal, and also there is the miracle of the loaves and fishes. Of course, there is a ton one could write about these two stories, but what struck me today was that Jesus didn't just want the gospel preached -- he also cared about the people's physical needs.

So I have a couple of standout verses: v. 2: "... He sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick." And also v. 13: "You give them something to eat."

Jesus easily could have just sent the disciples to do nothing but preach. And He could also have just sent the crowd home to eat. The Bible doesn't mention whether Jesus resumed preaching after they all ate, or whether they ate and went home. So I can't say for sure whether He wanted them fed so they could listen some more, or simply because He had too much compassion on them to let them continue to be hungry. However, based on what I've read in the Bible and what I personally know about Jesus, I imagine He just didn't want them going hungry that evening.

I love all this, and I think it says a lot about the God we serve. He definitely cares about our souls more than anything else. But He also knows we are human beings living in the here and now, and that we have physical needs in our lives that need to be met. I have often heard ministries that feed people, that go into communities and help the poor, heal the sick, etc., say that you have to meet the physical needs of the people before you can set about meeting their spiritual needs. It only makes sense -- hungry people, sick people can't concentrate much on the "esoteric" stuff until they are filled and healed (or at least in a more comfortable place physically speaking).

But I think that, even beyond the sort-of "ulterior motive" of helping people so they can enter the Kingdom (which is, of course, the most important thing), Jesus just loves to help people. He loves to reach into our worlds, into our hurt, and show us His love and compassion. He loves to wrap His arms around us and love on us! From experience I know He doesn't always choose to heal or to lift us up out of our circumstances, choosing rather to carry us through the difficult times instead of just making them go away. Personally, I would rather He always just took the tough stuff away before I had to endure much of it. It takes a lot of struggle sometimes to get to the place where, by faith, I accept that He's doing something I don't understand and then relax and let Him do His stuff. That's when He really shows that the spiritual is more important than the physical. But I'm glad there are all those times in Scripture where He shows us that He cares about the physical aspects of our lives, too. I'm glad He's a God whose love is so all-encompassing, who is all about compassion, and who never wants to just leave us where we are to get by on our own. That's when it's so obvious that God is our "Abba" (daddy), that Jesus is our brother, that the Holy Spirit is our comforter.

Yeah. I like that.

So, on another note, I have discovered the most hilarious, true, often uplifting and always interesting blog called "Stuff Christians Like." You should check it out. It is SO us!

Blessings for a beautiful day!

More of the same, sorta

So I'm probably beating a dead horse, but since I'm still struggling and trying to sort out my life right now, I need to write about what I'm feeling and struggling with.

And, basically it's this: I'm incredibly frustrated with my spiritual life right now. I'm too tired to be "actively growing" in my relationship with Christ, physically, emotionally, and spiritually right now. I don't want to be like this, I really want to be growing closer to Him and keeping my eyes on Him instead of on my own self and my problems, but in all honesty it's just hard to look up right now. When you're sick a lot (or at least this is true for me), it's hard to look past yourself and how awful you're feeling. It's not a whiny "poor, pitiful me" kind of deal, it's more like being beaten into the ground and not being able to look up. (I just spent a really nasty week with something called "ischemic colitis" which causes lower abdominal pain and passing blood -- not fun, and I mean, seriously, what is with all these stupid illnesses coming one after the other?) I want to move past all this and be able to get back into Bible study and be really praying for others and all those things that are important to me (as well as to God!), but I just feel so stuck, like, as I've said before, wandering in the wilderness and I can't quite figure out how to get back on the pathway. I just seem incapable of focusing on deep stuff right now.

So, okay, I should just "rest in God's love" then until this season passes and I can crawl up out of the pit again. But I can't even seem to do that. I know in my heart, in my head, in my soul that God loves me. But right now I can't FEEL it very often and that makes it darned hard to "rest in His love." And I halfway feel like I'm abusing the gift of God's grace because I need it so darn freakin' much. Which is silly, but I grew up in a pretty legalistic church, and even though I have begun to realize that it's not about rules with God, it's about His unconditional grace, I still feel like it's possible to take advantage of that grace (in a bad way) and use that as a sort of excuse, or that I'm cheating to just depend on that and not be more actively doing things. Like right now, with all this sickness in my life, I feel like I should be thinking this: "God is refining me right now. I may not like how He's doing it, but I can trust that He knows what He's doing, that He is doing whatever it is He's doing for my ultimate good and that I can just let go and trust in His love and in His ways." Voila, right? Resting in His love. But I'm not there right now. I spent the better part of March yelling at God about the strep, then finally got over that and realized I do need to just trust Him, but even though I'm not mad at Him anymore and I have a certain level of trust, I am definitely not to the "Oh, goodie, this means I'm being refined and am growing as a human and in my trust in God" stage. I'm pretty much in an exhausted, beaten into the ground, boy-would-I-like-to-give-up, God-I-can't-feel-You-and-I-desperately-need-to phase.

I also have a lot of things I need to forgive, and as I've mentioned before, I have no idea how that works with some of the people and things I need to forgive. I am just totally clueless how to make that work, how to do it. My pastor says I just need to forgive them because I know how much God has forgiven me. But the sad thing is, I don't have a strong sense of just how much He has forgiven in my life. I've been a pretty good person all my life, with a couple of exceptions that were way back in the past, and I'm not connected to just what Jesus has done for me that way. I hate that! I feel so ungrateful and shallow. But I think for people who haven't had gigantic, horrible episodes of sin in their lives, who have pretty much just committed what the world thinks of as "small" sins, it's hard to grasp that it doesn't matter the magnitude of the sin, ALL sin is equally abhorrent in God's eyes, and even just one "tiny" sin is all it takes to separate us from God and make us unworthy. Nobody is good enough to please God and have a relationship with Him. The only way we can do that is by accepting the work Jesus did for us on the cross. It's only because God sees us through the "curtain" of Jesus' atoning blood that we can come to God and have a relationship with Him. It's kinda like God puts on His "Jesus glasses" to look at us. Fortunately, the "Jesus glasses" are permanent. But what I'm trying to say here is that I am no better than anyone else, and so I should be able to realize that and forgive others as God has forgiven me.

Except that that's really, really hard.

Guess that makes me a pretty selfish person.

Anyway, those are the things I'm struggling with today. Among lots of other stuff.

I'm too tired to work on anything today. Deeply, face-down on the battlefield covered in blood kind of tired. I so hope God understands that.

Well, it has been awhile!

I've been through a lot in the last several months, mostly health-wise, so I haven't really kept this blog up as I had hoped.

As far as I know, none of my health issues are life-threatening, but they have certainly screwed up my quality of life to the point that I am at the absolute bottom emotionally and spiritually. I am overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and depressed. I feel as though I have lost myself. Not as in "eternally damned" lost (I believe my salvation is secure), but as in "wandering in the wilderness" type of lost. I feel so far away from God right now, and I also feel like my mind is just not in a good place. It's hard to work on your spiritual life, your relationship with Christ, when you can't think well, and when you do think it's not incredibly positive or rational. I sorta feel like I need to start over, just need to get back to basic truths. I haven't been to a Bible study in years (partly because of my chronic fatigue, partly because the praise team I'm on rehearses during Sunday morning Bible study, partly because our pastor stopped teaching Sunday Bible study, and he was awesome ... the guy who took over was not). I feel disconnected from all the things (spiritually) that are so important to me.

My pastor (who my family is good friends with) sent me an e-mail the other day asking if I had ever forgiven the boyfriend who emotionally abused me in my mid-20s. I have, of course, but it never "sticks" well. I'll think I've forgiven him and then something from that era will pop into my head and I'll have to wrestle with it again. It's not as bad as it used to be, and I've had counseling for it, but I don't think I'll ever get over the scars it left. I think I don't fully understand what forgiveness means. In my head, it includes absolution, as in "That's okay, don't worry about it." Or as in "I know you didn't mean it." This guy left me broken, bruised, shattered and scarred emotionally in such a deep, all-consuming way that I could never possibly say, "All is forgiven" in that smiley, happy way that I think of when I hear that phrase. I need to know how to forgive what he did to me while knowing I can never absolve him of destroying my life at that time. Something I need to work on.

So ... I know I need to do something, find some way of re-connecting with God. I'm just so tired, and tired of the struggle. I have begged God over and over to heal me, yelled at Him because He didn't, then repented of all that because I know He is God and He is sovereign, and His ways are not my ways. But I think that, in all that struggle, I got so beaten down that I can't even get back to all the truths I know about God. I mean in terms of "feeling" them, in grasping them all and applying them to my life. I am burnt out from the struggle. I definitely love God and trust Him as my savior, still. I just don't know how to get out of this wilderness.

I am so thankful for the verses that remind us that, even when we are faithless to Him, He remains faithful to us. (I don't know where to find that verse -- I tried biblegateway.com, but didn't find it searching under the phrase "he remains faithful." But it is a real verse, my mother quoted it to me just a couple of days ago and I know I've seen it.) I need heaps of His grace right now!

Edited to add: Well, duh, I just went and read the post I made before this one -- I didn't mean to almost exactly repeat a lot of what I said there. Maybe I should read my last post before I post a new one!

What the heck?

I am going through one of the toughest (if not THE toughest) spiritual crises of my life right now. I'm having a hard time with God right now, I'll be honest. Not walking away or ditching my faith by any stretch, but definitely wrestling with a lot of things.

I have had a recurring bout of Strep Throat since January 30. It is now March 25, so this is almost two months. I'm on round four of antibiotics (which end tomorrow). The pattern has been that I do antibiotics, and within two days of finishing them the strep is back. Since I take my last of this round tomorrow, I may be actively sick again by the end of the weekend. Or, since I also had a Bicillin shot last week, I may not. Who knows?

This has really pushed my faith to the edge. I know, to some of you it may not sound like much, but I essentially have NO LIFE whatsoever now. It was a pretty "thin" life before the strep, since I'd been sick a lot this fall/winter, and even when I'm not sick I'm exhausted. The fall/winter sickies have been going on for three years (mostly chronic sinus infections), and the exhaustion has been around in varying degrees for probably nearly 20 years.

And I'm tired of it. As the lyrics to one of Phil Joel's songs says, "She was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired." Yep. That'd be me.

What I'm struggling with is what in heaven's name God is trying to accomplish in all this. He will not heal me (at least He hasn't yet). I've had the elders of my church over to anoint me with oil and pray over me -- which, at least on the surface, accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, it did shake my faith pretty hard when nothing happened. In my limited human capacity for understanding this makes no sense at all.

I know, I know, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding ..." I'm trying. I really am. More than anything I want to be one of those people who says, "Lord, I don't like this, but I trust that You have a reason and a purpose for this suffering and I will bow my will to Yours and accept it." I haven't reached that place yet. Right now I'm at the, "Lord, I know You have a reason and a purpose for this ridiculous suffering I'm going through right now, but I'd sure as heck like to know what it is because I certainly can't see what's positive or good about it" stage. To me this chronic illness thing is ridiculous suffering. It isn't noble, it doesn't help anybody out, in fact, it just makes me a burden to my family. I feel so sorry for my husband -- he's always so stressed out from work and his own health issues, and then he has me to deal with into the bargain. Aidan is too busy with his own stuff most of the time to be actively inconvenienced by my poor health, but I do feel sorry for him that he has a mother who spends 90% of her time lying on the couch feeling rotten. I'm not suffering for Christ in any way I can see. And I'm not exactly growing closer to Him through this, either, at least not right now. So it's hard to see the purpose in this stupid chronically poor immune system I have.

I'm struggling with God feeling so far away. As I said, I haven't walked away from Him, I've been trying to keep up a good relationship with Him, but it's very hard to do when you feel too physically bad most of the time to make much effort. And there's major brain fog involved, too, so Bible study/reading isn't very productive. I know it sounds like I'm having a giant pity party, but I'm having trouble seeing God as very "fatherly" right now. I want so badly for Him to draw near to me and be comforting, but I don't feel that very often. Mostly He just feels distant.

I know that my life is MUCH better than an awful lot of people's. I don't have cancer (that I know of), or any other debilitating illness. I'm not in the throes of grief over losing someone close to me, thankfully. I have a nice house, my husband has his job, my teenager is a good kid. (It almost scares me to write that stuff down ...!) And I am exceedingly grateful for these things. But I am not able to go and do things "normal" people can do (like grocery shop or sing on the Praise Team at my church), and that's difficult.

I know God is sovereign. I know He has a perfect will, and that He knows what is best for me. I know He loves me and I know that "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord ..." So I'm holding on. Some days I hold on with everything I have, other days I don't have much to hold with. I have struggled with a killer migraine today and that has made it incredibly hard to hold on. I have thought several times about ending my life, but I know that would destroy my family and because I love them better than I love myself, I am sticking around for them. But, oh, some days that is hard. Some days that is incredibly, amazingly hard.

So I'm choosing to be a person of faith. I will not walk away from God, no matter how hard the going gets. But that doesn't mean I like where I am right now, and that doesn't mean I won't have times when I struggle to understand God's purpose for me, when I struggle to even feel the love He has for me. That doesn't mean I can always say, "I know God is doing what's best." Yes, I know He is, but right now I really, really don't understand it.

As Job said, "Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." Some days that is a true sacrifice of praise. (He definitely deserves it, though -- that I still recognize!)

Well, it's been awhile!

I don't know that there's any particular reason I haven't posted here in awhile. Maybe I haven't felt "wise" enough or something! lol

As always, with all of us, still trying to figure out my own Christian walk. We've decided (okay, I decided for us -- my family) that we're going to go through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest this year. If you haven't heard of it, it's a very challenging devotional written by a very brilliant minister (Wikipedia calls him "a prominent early twentieth century Scottish Protestant Christian minister and teacher"). I say brilliant because his writing is a bit difficult! lol There is an "updated" version of the book out now, in more "friendly" modern English, but I prefer the older one. It makes you stop and think more. Anyway, into Day 12, and it's definitely challenging my faith! One of the hardest concepts I'm dealing with right now is "my obedience to God will affect others" and not always in a "happy" way. This is tough for me in a number of ways, but especially since I'm dealing with pre-Empty Nest syndrome. Aidan will be going off to college in the Fall of 2011, and so far we don't know where that will be. Up until recently the University of Texas was his #1 option. He says it still is, but suddenly he's looking at out-of-state universities, too (partially due to the "encouragement" of a teacher, which makes me mad, and means I have to deal with that issue -- the anger -- too!). I don't want him to go out-of-state. I want him right here in Texas, and I want him CLOSE, so UT is my first and only choice for him! However, it might not be God's choice. And even more than I want my own way, I want Aidan to be in God's will, so if that means the University of Chicago or Arizona or whatever, then that's where he needs to go. Even if it rips my heart out. And it will, trust me.

So -- should God want Aidan somewhere other than UT, and Aidan obeys Him (which I most definitely want him to do), it will certainly affect me, it will HURT me (which is the main meaning of the "affect" part of this concept). Not in a pouty, bitter way, but in a heart-ripped-out-of-my-chest way. I like this kid! I don't want him to be so far away from home that we'll only see him two or three times a year! I want him to come home every weekend for me to wash his clothes! lol But, no, as I said, more than I want that, I want him to be Where and Who (whom?) God wants him to be.

Bleah. Life gets so complicated! Sorting through my faith and working it out gets so complicated. I really do wish sometimes that I could be more "simple" in my faith -- just be the kind of person who can peacefully and contentedly say, "God is in control," and just go with that. But, no, I have to fight God, fight myself, argue, whine, wheedle, beg, etc. That's not a very peaceful way to be. This whole "dying to self" concept -- yeah, NOT an easy thing, and I'll be working on it for quite some time, I know. Which is annoying, because that means God will continue to test me on it. He does that with everyone, I'm sure, no matter how "simple" they may be in their faith. I'm sure even Billy Graham gets tested on this. But wouldn't it be lovely if I could just step back a moment, take a deep breath, remember God's continual faithfulness to me and my family, and say, "Lord, You're in charge and I trust You." Yeah, TRUST. Man, that's a difficult word!

So, here it is 2010 and I don't think I've made much progress spiritually over the last several years. But I do want to! I'm hoping this devotional will stand me face-to-face with myself in such a way that I get over myself and start really, truly living for Christ. Prayers would be much appreciated! ... :-)

Just watch it ...

... this skit, I mean. Thanks to Lynn for posting it on Facebook. I don't know how long it will take me to "get" this, to understand it, to "own" it. But I'm going to keep trying until I do!

God's Chisel

You don't have to buy it -- the preview is what I saw and it's pretty powerful. Hope it makes an impact on your life!

The Wilderness

So, I guess you can tell by my title where I've been lately. I don't know what's happened, but I have been less-than-inspired lately, not "feeling" God, dry as the lake bed near here is going to be if we don't get some rain soon. Yeah, I feel like I'm in a spiritual drought just as much as Central Texas is in a physical drought.

The thing with droughts (at least spiritual ones) is that they tend to feed off themselves. Not inspired? Won't spend much time in the Bible. Not "feeling" God? Probably won't pray as much, or it will be more rote and less from the heart. And so it has been with me.

Plus my husband is going through "yet another" emotional/spiritual/whatever crisis. I'm worn out from trying to figure that all out, trying to be a good, supportive wife when I really want to run the other direction screaming on his bad days. I love him, I really do. I just don't have anything in the reservoir these days.

So I have been praying for God to help me out of this wilderness. I know I don't absolutely HAVE to "feel" Him in my life, though being a person who runs on their emotions, it would sure be nice! But I want to care! I want to care again about absorbing God's Word into my life, into my heart, into my brain, rather than just reading the Bible and saying, "Okey dokey, I can check that off the list today." I want to care about TALKING with God instead of just sorta handing Him my prayer request list and saying, "There Ya go, Lord, can You please take care of these?"

Some of this is, I think, health related. When you're exhausted because you didn't really "sleep" all night, but rather spent it doing all sorts of weird stuff in an alternate universe, it makes it hard to concentrate on anything, much less on things you know you're supposed to be really getting something from. But part of it is, I suspect, a lack of real effort on my part. I'm not going to any Bible studies, not going to Sunday School (we have praise team rehearsal during that time, although it's really supposed to start earlier), none of that. That helps me concentrate better than just a quick Sunday sermon (no matter how great) and the "daily reading" thing.

I'm glad God is a God of grace. I don't really know how to feel that a lot of the time. I'm too busy thinking how disappointed with me God must be. He probably just wants me to rest in His love for now. Wish I knew how to let go and do that!

Simple Faith

For Father's Day, I gave Bjorn a CD by Johnny Cash called "My Mother's Hymns." (Aidan took him to a Gilbert & Sullivan play, which they said was hysterical.) The listening came after I'd been reading about someone's spiritual journey to Christ, away from Him, back to Him, and now kinda in limbo. And I tend to be surrounded by "deep theological discussion" with an intellectual husband, books about God, various other places, etc. I think it's almost an epidemic these days that we (myself included -- heck, I started this blog, didn't I?) have this compulsive "need" to dissect everything about our lives, including our walk with Christ.

I think it's important to examine our lives, our difficulties, to know what we think and believe and why we think and believe these things.

And yet it was SOOOOO refreshing to just sit and listen to these simple hymns tonight and reflect on the days when people just lived their lives with Jesus already integrated into them, just by virtue of their love and gratitude to Him.

One of the songs on the album is "He Reached Down." It's not one I was familiar with. But this is the one that really struck me -- just the simple beauty of telling how lost I was and how Jesus reached down and found me. Not that I reached up to Him, but that He reached down to me. The core and crux of it all. So simple. It made me wonder why we spend so much time dissecting, hashing and rehashing point after theological point. I guess it's because that's the way the World does things, and in order to reach the World we have to be able to meet them on their intellectual level. But, I don't know. The simple love of Jesus never changes. It was what the heart of mankind needed 2000 years ago, and it's still exactly what we need. His love reaching down to us. Pure. Simple. (And, as an aside, that's the best way to reach people for Him, I suspect -- not that I'm an expert, because I tend to keep myself in my little protective shell -- but it does make perfect sense. I don't really know anyone who was ever "argued" into the kingdom of Heaven, although my intellectual husband did take "convincing." Still, without God's love showing through me in ways beyond the wife-husband, or even friend-friend relationship, I don't think all the "convincing" in the world would have mattered.)

I really do get weary of all the arguments, discussions, this-vs-that, pontificating, etc. I know I participate in it, have my opinions, think I'm surely right, and want so badly to convince everyone else of it -- right? I mean, I think a lot of us do. But what an awesome thing it would be to just FOCUS on JESUS -- to "turn [our] eyes upon" Him, as the old hymn says, to just spend our days living for HIM instead of trying to figure out this thing and that thing and arguing and convincing.

And I think living for Him is just as simple as going about our lives with the awareness that He is always near, with an attitude of thanksgiving to Him for all that He has done for me, for reaching down to me; and keeping focused on Him instead of on ourselves. Wait, did I say simple? That last thing is very, very hard.

Well, anyway, it all boils down to grace in the end, doesn't it? Grace for salvation, grace for everyday living, grace to see the brokenness in others that makes them do things and behave in ways that cause me to want to judge them.

And even though it wasn't on the album, I am soooo grateful for God's "grace that is greater than all my sin."

Experiencing technical difficulties ...

Well, not technical difficulties, technically. More like spiritual difficulties. Or maybe it's just authorial difficulties. Whatever it is, I haven't been particularly inspired of late. As you can tell.

Although I will tell you I have not been a Very Good Girl lately. I slandered my husband all over my Facebook page (no, I will not be your friend if I don't already know you). I had the world's worst attitude about helping with VBS. I have been a control freak, a Diva Princess, an Emo Queen, a spoiled brat, a judgmental snot ... oh, and I was sick for a couple of weeks, too.

*SIGH* I really do wonder sometimes how God puts up with me, why He doesn't just point His finger at me and go "poof! you're outta here!" and fry me like a fly in a magnifying glass-focused sunbeam.

Then I'll be listening to the Christian stuff on my MP3 player and come across this one by the Newsboys:

"Great is Your faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me;
Oh, and great is Your faithfulness, turning shame into victory.
Your grace has never let me be,
Your mercy's waiting patiently.
Oh, so great is Your faithfulness to carry on with a sinner like me ..."

Yeah. Amen, brothers. Amen, and amen again.

Religion vs. the gospel

So, no, I'm not going to do a huge treatise on this topic! It's just that I've been reading this amazing book called The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I highly recommend it, whether you're a believer or a skeptic or something in-between.

Anyway, my pastor (who is having my guys read this book for their Monday night "theological session" they have with him) recommended I read the chapter titled "Religion and the Gospel" first. He said, "This chapter is you and me." He knows me very well, since I've had a few very long talks with him before when my brain was having spiritual issues ;-). And he was right! I read it this morning while I was at the doctor's office "waiting out" my allergy shots (I have to sit there and wait for 30 minutes after I get them so they can make sure I'm not gonna have a bad reaction and cark it in that time -- of course, I could still have a bad reaction HOURS later and potentially cark it, but, understandably, they don't really want me to live at their office!)

The chapter was amazing. I mean, so blatantly obvious to people who "get" grace. But to those of us who struggle with it, it was just ... amazing. To start with he describes the difference in "religion," which is working to please God, to rack up points or whatever, to earn our way into heaven. And grace is what Jesus did for us. He called that the "gospel" in order to differentiate. Okay, yeah, I know all that stuff. "For by grace are ye saved, through faith; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 (I did that from memory -- I mean, you grow up in an evangelical church, you can rattle that one off at the drop of a hat.) I totally believe it ... for salvation. But what about for my daily life? And here I'm mixing book and Stacy for a sec ...

I have a very hard time accepting that I don't have to WORK to please God, i.e. to garner favor with Him, approval, acceptance on a sort-of "sub-salvation" level. Okay, yeah, I'm accepted for salvation because of His grace. But then after that, don't I have to prove to Him what a sincere, serious Christian I am? Don't I have to have all the little checkboxes checked off on the "good Christian list" in order for Him to truly approve of me, to really love me the way He loves, say, Billy Graham? And then don't I have to really show the world what a good Christian I am (presumably so they can admire my Christlikeness and want to become a Christian themselves)? Don't I need to "come apart and be separate" by having my pro-life bumpersticker, by verbally disdaining all things that are opposed to my viewpoints and way of life, by shunning the "other" (as the book puts it)? "Oh, God, thank you that I am not like those stinkin' pro-choice jerks ..."

Hold it. That sounds kinda familiar. Like ... hmmm ... oh, yeah, I know. Like the Pharisees. The ones who thought they had to have all the checkboxes checked, and knew it was impossible, so they vaunted themselves up above everyone else in order to feel good about their religion. (And I used that word "religion" intentionally.)

Oh, boy. Hittin' a little close to home, here. This is my hugest struggle with my faith. The difference between legalism and grace, between "pleasing God" so He'll like me ("tui moment" as they say in New Zealand, translated as -- Yeah Right), and obeying because I love my Father and enjoy doing things that please Him.

I am accepted already! There was a line from the book that I'll see if I can remember: Something like, "I'm so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, but He loves and treasures me so much, He was glad to do it." Whoa. Seriously? I mean, yes, my spirit believes that with everything I have. But my head cannot get itself even remotely around that. I'm accepted just ... just because of God's love for me? It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I go to the "right" church, that I sing on the Praise Team, that I'm pro-life and anti-gay, that I hold myself "above" the culture, that I disdain atheists and liberals, that I'm a good Republican (albeit pretty middle-of-the-road), that I don't drink and I don't swear, and I don't even like most of what's on TV these days? I don't get POINTS for any of that? Jesus loves me regardless of my score?

I know that doesn't mean that being pro-life is Pharisaical, or that keeping myself as unsullied by the culture as possible is a bad thing. But the thing is, I find myself counting on those things to get me God-points, in addition to the very real convictions that lie behind my stance on them. And it makes me very judgmental (see previous post). And angry at the world in general. Which is stressful and not good for my health. Because, you see, there's no way in hell (gasp! I used a bad word!) that I can possibly get all the checkboxes marked off! I'm human! God knows I can't do that! That's why He sent Jesus in the first place -- the whole checkbox system wasn't working, the Old Covenant was impossible for us to achieve, all it could really do was point out to us how desperately we need God for our salvation.

So, anyway, I have faced this concept before and marveled at it and held it to my heart for awhile and then let the "checkbox mentality" of legalism creep its way back into my head and heart. But I'm miserable when I do that! I beat myself up, I judge others, I just don't live the life God intended in any form or fashion. So I'm praying that God will help me to GRASP this grace thing once and for all! To understand that HE LOVES ME, period. There's a Newsboys song that has a line in it that says, "He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are; He only loves us 'cause of Who He is." He chose to love me before the beginning of the world, and (here comes a cliche, but a really cool one) there's nothing I can do to make Him love me more, and there's nothing I can do to make Him love me less.

I really need to keep that at the forefront of my brain! (And tattoo it on my hands or somewhere I'll see it alot!)

Well, my brain runneth over, but I have to go pick Aidan up from drama rehearsal in a few minutes, so I'll just leave it at this for now. Christianity -- the GOSPEL, not the religion -- is absolutely the most beautiful, amazing deal ever. And I am so thankful that God blessed me with faithful parents, teachers, pastors, friends so that I am still here, following Christ, sticking it out, enduring. I mean, because, really ... what better deal is there?

The Moral Imperative, or plain ol' Judgmentalism?

So, I was going to write about something else today, but then I read an article on the Christianity Today website called "The Good Friday Life," and this became more important today.

Here's the quote I want to go off of:

For the Christian, moral discourse begins by focusing not on the sins of the other but on one's own failures. "O God, be merciful to me, a sinner." It is the publican's humble prayer that is accepted by God, and it is the Pharisee—who is confident of his morality and the other's immorality—who is condemned. Moral discourse begins, as Jesus said, by taking the log out of our own eye.

At the moment I am falling on my face before God and asking forgiveness for being such a HUGE Pharisee in my life! In the name of "Moral Imperative" I am so judgmental! I sit on my throne of judgment day after day calling down fire on this politician's head, or that entertainer's, ridiculing this popular concept or that, criticizing even those I love who don't see the world the same way I do. Oh, God, why do You even put up with me?

I have such a huge plank in my own eye I think I need about four people to help me carry it around! I mean, yes, I know that there are things we must judge, and there are actions we need to speak out about. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about being Holier Than Thou about so many things and thinking I am somehow above it all because I am ... I don't know ... somehow "better"? Do I think that I am better than Madonna (who I rank one of the most immoral people around) because I don't sin in the same ways she does? My sin is no less horrid in God's eyes than hers. The only difference is that mine has been covered by the blood of Christ because I was blessed enough to have parents who took me to church as a child, and because I listened to the Holy Spirit's promptings when I was seven years old and accepted Christ as my Savior. I could just as easily have rejected those promptings. I mean, it's a classic case of "there but for the grace of God ..." It's God's grace, not my so-called holiness, that covers my sins and has set me free from the law of sin and death. Anyway, you get the point on that.

I actually wrote a comment on a local newspaper article today sort of "lovingly" slamming the writer who had written how we Christians should NOT celebrate "Easter" because of the connection to a pagan holiday and how we were invoking the names of pagan goddesses when we even said the name. Gasp! She WRONGED me, because she was being so legalistic! So when I read an article, also on ChristianityToday.com, concerning this very question (of whether Easter actually had come from a pagan holiday), and it said that this was a misconception, I couldn't wait to put in a comment that put her "lovingly" in her place! (I promise you, it wasn't as snarky as I'm making it sound, but, still ...) Why did I do it? I'd say about 10% so the atheists who LOVE to circle like sharks any religion article in our newspaper would have to eat many of their own words, but also simply to put her in her place because I don't think like her, because I thought she was being legalistic and "leading others astray"! I was TRIUMPHANT when I sent that comment post! HA! I thought. Shows you!

Oh, Kyrie eleison! Christe eleison!!

This is what nailed Jesus to the cross. My hateful little vindictive judgments. My Holier-than-thou moments. My "Oh, God, thank You that I am not like so-and-so ..." thoughts. And I know I'm not the only one. The "Good Friday Life" article is talking about this mostly in reference to our political activism, and we as Christian Americans are RIFE with Moral Imperatives. But it doesn't matter what anyone else does. What matters is what I do.

Dear God, this is not how I want to be! This is not WHO I want to be! Please have Your Holy Spirit so fill me with Jesus that He pushes ME out and makes me like Him!

Sounds easy, right? A "magic" little prayer and everything is all better? Ah, but God and I both know this is not even remotely that easy. It's certainly not impossible, since "With God all things are possible." But my SELF will continue to want to rear its ugly little head over and over and over again. The dying to self thing ... yeah, that's probably the hardest thing we Christians have to do. I LIKE "self". "Self" wants to be really comfortable and keep on living a cushy life here in my spirit and soul. But Jesus said I have to deny my SELF, take up my cross and follow Him. "It is no longer I who lives, but Christ within me ..." I have the feeling it's going to take me a loooooonnnnggg time to get to that point. But, Jesus, please don't give up on me, okay? It's the desire of my heart, my spirit, my soul to be there. Thank You that You know the REAL me, deep inside, and that even when all the other bits of me seem to drown it out, You still hear, You still know who I really am in You.

You're my only hope!

God inhabits our praise

So, duh, right? (The title) I mean, as Christians we all know this. But I know I forget it so easily, what it really means. For years I've had people tell me I should play praise music constantly in my house because a) the Devil doesn't like it and will stay away, and b) God inhabits praise, ergo His presence will fill the house. But I've always balked at that suggestion because I don't tend to like praise and worship CDs (you know, like Vineyard or Hillsong or whatever). There is absolutely nothing wrong with them, I just don't like the "sound" or whatever. It's a personal preference thing. So I just haven't done it.

But God has been working on me about it lately, mainly because I know that I and my family are under spiritual attack. If it's not my marriage, the kid has a weird phase. If it's not the kid, it's me with depression or illness (or both). If it's not me, it's the hubster with stress or whatever. And 'round and 'round it goes. As Roseanne Rosannadanna on Saturday Night Live used to say, "It's always somethin'!" So God has been pointing out to me that the Newsboys and Phil Joel have praise songs. And there are lots of praise songs on albums I used to listen to a lot, like the City on a Hill albums, and Tree63, and the Passion worship albums. I even have two WOW Worship CDs from several years ago. So last Thursday or Friday I got on our Windows Media Explorer and made up a Praise and Worship playlist from the Christian stuff we have on there. And then yesterday I went through our CDs and added a bunch of other stuff. It's funny that there are songs we have on CDs that I discovered I loved when we had this very hip worship minister in our church for awhile, and I didn't even know we had the songs! (I clearly wasn't listening to those particular CDs.) So now I have a great collection of P&W songs that appeal to me that I can put on and listen to whenever I want to! And my plan is to keep them on in the house all day long, even if I'm distracted and not really listening, because the Enemy knows those songs are my heart, he knows I mean them regardless, so hopefully they will keep him and his minions at bay.

When I first started listening to them on Friday night while cooking supper, I was so uplifted! Some of these songs I hadn't heard in years, and they had been incredibly meaningful to me "back when". Oddly, the last couple of days I've felt a bit depressed, but I'm not terribly surprised. I'm sure the Enemy is NOT happy about this new warfare tactic. At any rate, I'm lovin' the songs and the devotion they inspire and the good stuff they remind me of! I even borrowed an extra MP3 player my husband had and put the playlist on it so I could listen to these songs in the car. (I wanted to keep MY MP3 player "Newsboys/Phil Joel dedicated." lol)

So that's one of the things that has been helping lately. It also helped me a great deal to spend time talking with my mother on Saturday (the day before the anniversary of her mother's -- my Granny's -- death), remembering my Granny, and especially sort-of rehashing all the junk with the hospital and the situation surrounding Granny's illness and death, all the nightmarish stress we were all under, all the disbelief that this woman, this amazing lady who had been such a rock in our family, just forever!, who had always been the strong one, always been the no-nonsense one, always been the one we counted on to live forever (or until Jesus came back), had become so sick, so dependent, and had died in the hospital instead of quietly in her sleep, like she so deserved. After awhile Mom and I got to the point in the discussion where we were just going over all the incredible things God had done for us through those six weeks, how He had sustained us through our own illnesses and weaknesses so we could be there for Granny, how He had provided for so many different needs, how He had made sure all of her grandchildren had had a chance to be there before she passed away so they could say goodbye (she died the very day my middle brother came up to see her -- the only day he had been able to get free to come). And then afterward how He had sustained us through her memorial service, even enabling me to SING for her service, after I had said I would never be able to sing at a loved one's funeral. And I looked at my mother and said, "You know, in those times when I find myself doubting God's existence, or that He cares about me -- all I need to do is think about how He was with us every step of the way through the crisis with Granny and her death." God even allowed me the special privilege of being with her at the time she passed. It was just me and my Dad in the room with her. It was such a peaceful, quiet passing. As Dad said, "she just stopped." I believe I was there as a stand-in for my mother, who would NEVER have been able to handle that. (Mom was her only child, and they were extremely close.) Plus, it was just a very unique, special thing to be there at the moment my precious grandmother passed from this life into Eternal Life. Not pleasant. Not "happy" by any means. But a special honor, in a way.

Okay, so the whole point is -- God has been there for me so many times in my life I can't even count them. And I am SO quick to forget that! I'm so quick to let the dark clouds -- the fog, if you will -- of my depression obscure the undeniable proofs that HE IS THERE, that HE LOVES ME, and that HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME! The song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" just sums it all up so beautifully. If you don't know it, here are the words:

Great is Thy faithfulness, o God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee.
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

(CHO)
Great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

(CHO)

Pardon for sin, and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

(CHO)

Isn't that the most beautiful song? I know the words are a bit archaic, but it is just such a testimony to the truth of His trustworthiness and, well, faithfulness! My mother has long said this is our "family song," because He has proven Himself faithful so many times in my family of origin. And I'm seeing Him prove Himself faithful in my marriage-family, too. Especially when I pull my head out of my own despair and look at the facts!

Well, the kitties are clamoring for their bedtime feeding ... and my stomach's kinda growling, too, actually! So it's off for a bedtime snack and then, hopefully, a good night's sleep.

Blessings to all ...

Just a quick post tonight ...

There is SO much I want to write about, but it's really late and I don't have time to do everything I want to say justice, so I'll save that for later. It's been a really, really tough week, but God has been working, and I'll just say one thing -- all those people who used to tell me I should have praise and worship music playing in the house were so RIGHT! I tried that on Saturday and it was so cool the difference it made, both in the general atmosphere of the house and in my heart and spirit!

So tonight I'm just going to post my scrapbook layout for the Faithbooking project I'm leading on the Paper Craft Planet site (the group I head is called SHINE Christian Crafters' Challenge). It's a digital layout, which I guess is kinda "cheating" or something at a site called PAPER Craft Planet, but I had to use digital to get the effects I wanted, so, hey, ya do whatcha gotta do, right?

So here it is. The pages are supposed to go side-by-side, but you can't really see them well (too small) if I post them that way here, so the left one will be on top, and the right one on the bottom. The topic is "Struggles and Scars":



That's me about 20 years ago on the merry-go-round at the elementary school where I went growing up. It's a self-portrait, taken during the aftermath/fallout of a 3-1/2 year long relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Yeah, I have scars from that that are still there today. Probably always will be. Dude was surgically precise with his abuse and knew how to cut very deeply.

Anyway ... that was then. This is now! (Praise God!)

One more quick thing. See this beautiful lady?

This is my Granny. She passed away exactly a year ago today (March 22), at age 95. Such an amazing woman. We all miss her so much! But we know she is totally enjoying being in Heaven with my Granddaddy and, better yet, with her wonderful Savior whom she loved (loves) with all her heart.

Okay, it's late, Aidan's calling for me to come say goodnight, so I've gotta run. More later!

Abraham's faith

Well, it's been a few days since I wrote anything in here! Sorry about that -- it's been a tough week. Becky, I appreciate your comment on my last post. It's all so true! I just tend to lose sight of it sometimes in the fog! (BTW, I always appreciate y'all's comments. Forgive me if I don't get them moderated right away -- I forget I'm moderating and I have to approve them, but I think it's kinda important to moderate this blog ...)

ANYway. So I found a good journal entry from Jan. 24, 2007 when I was doing the deliberatePeople "through the Bible" reading schedule and actually journaling (I'm doing the schedule again this year, just haven't really journaled anything -- sorry Phil!) It kinda speaks to some of what I go through a lot, so I thought I'd post it here:

Romans 4:18-25
Standout verse - v. 18 (in The Message version): "When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he couldn't do, but on what God said he would do." Wow! That's pretty profound -- Abraham's eyes weren't on himself here, but on God. No matter what Abraham saw, no matter what the facts seemed to be according to the "natural" eye, Abraham saw with eyes of faith that God would do as He had promised, no matter how "impossible" it might seem, no matter the limitations Abraham might have in his flesh.

Well, Abba, You and I both know I really struggle with this very thing. I mean, not that You've promised to make me into a great nation or anything, but I'm always so afraid of my own failings, of my own weaknesses, that I don't even hear what You're calling me to do! And that's so silly, because if You call me to something, You're not going to just dump me and walk off. No, when You call Your children, You equip them! You give us what we need in order to fulfill the calling -- we only need look with eyes of faith.

So help me to do that, please, Abba! Help me to raise my eyes above my own limitations -- perceived or real -- and put them on You, the Author and Perfecter of our faith. Strengthen my faith, please, Abba. I don't want to miss out on anything just because I'm looking in the wrong place!

I love You!

Well, all I can say to that is -- Amen!

A bit of sunshine

Well, you'll be happy to know that God and I are on good terms again. ;-)

Honestly, I've been struggling a lot these last few days, but I woke up ... not sure which morning, might have been Friday ... just ready to give it back over to Him, tired of being so negative and ungrateful feeling. I wish I could tell you I bounced right back to SuperChristian Stacy (like I've ever been that), but even though my attitude was better, it still took a couple of days. I had a mini faith-crisis last night, but it was actually kind-of a good thing because it ended up resolving when God reminded me of several very special times in the past when He has shown me CLEARLY that He IS, that He loves me, and that the whole Christianity thing is THE REAL DEAL. I always feel so wretched for even having one micron (or whatever is really small) of doubt, but this world these days! It just shouts "there is no God!" at us and hammers us sometimes until, if we take our eyes of Jesus for a half a second, we start going, "Wow, this stuff really is kinda incredible." So last night I was doing the "God, I believe; help Thou my unbelief!" prayer and He sure did! I can't refute the things He has shown me in the past. I just wish I would get another one soon, but I'm grateful for those! Very, very grateful.

I wish I could explain them to you, but they're not easy to put into words. Glimpses of heaven (a feeling really, of the most intense love I've ever felt, just for a second -- I think because He knew more than that would have utterly overwhelmed me in my tiny humanness ... and besides, I was driving); images of His love pouring over my head like rose petals; very, very brief glimpses of His amazing glory. And other things I just can't put words to at all. But they touched those places in my heart and soul that connect with God, the very, very most intimate places of the soul where God lets His children know He is there and He loves us. Sounds really weird and mystical (maybe it is, if looking at it from a human standpoint), but all I know is, it's real. And I'm NOT one of "those" kinds of people.

So, tonight I go to bed secure in the knowledge that God exists, that there is a Heaven and a Hell, that Jesus Christ is the only road to salvation, and that because He died for me and I have accepted His sacrifice and the Truth of Who He is into my heart and soul, I will one day join Him in Heaven. Rock solid, no doubts. The way my heart and soul really know it is if I'll just stop listening to the Enemy and get my eyes back on my Savior.

BTW, I know that I and my family are definitely targets of spiritual warfare -- I guess all Christians are. But it seems like the last few years have been just crazy with it. So if you're inclined to pray for us against the Enemy and his armies, I wouldn't turn you down!

Bruised reeds and smoldering wicks

I'm going to post this "old" writing of mine from 2006, not so much because I'm feeling better about life, but because I need to be reminded that He does listen, I do hear, and I'm not always wandering in the desert refusing to be comforted!

This was from January 17, 2006 in my deliberatePeople Bible-reading journal:

Standout verse:Genesis 35:3b
This verse really stands out to me in my readings today, Abba. "...God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone." Yes this is You, my God! You are so good and faithful to always be with me and to always answer me when I cry out in distress -- even if the distress is self-inflicted. You come to me, wrap Your strong, beautiful arms around me and remind me of Your love for me, and then, if I need it (and I often do), You gently, lovingly show me what I need to do to get back on track. How I love You for that! How I love and appreciate You for always being with me!

Matthew 12:20 -- I have always loved this verse about You, Jesus, and it goes along perfectly with what I just wrote: "A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out." I am so thankful for Your tender mercies, for the way that You are so gentle with us when we're suffering, when we're struggling! You don't take us when we're down and crack us over Your knee. You tenderly bind us up and strengthen us. And when "this little light of mine" is just barely there, merely a hint of blue on the wick, You don't get frustrated with us and blow us out completely, but rather You cup Your hands around us and blow Your breath gently on us until the flame is fanned up and burning brightly again. How precious and loving You are! Oh, breathe on me, breathe O breath of God! Breathe on me 'til my heart is new! Take my heart and cleanse every part of it, Holy Spirit! Fill me up again and purify me!

I am a very bruised reed right now, Abba. A very, very dimly burning flame. Please help me stop seeing you so darkly. Please help me see you as I did then, as loving and gentle. Oh, Abba, bind me up, blow the breath of your loving Spirit over me until I can stand again. And, oh, forgive my hurting, accusing heart!

Not a "good little trooper"

This has been a tough few days. I suppose that's to be expected after posting about refining. I got to go to church on Sunday and ACTUALLY SING on the praise team for the first time in, like, three months (I took a mini leave-of-absence because of my sinus issues). It was so awesome! I loved every minute of it, I felt close to God, I sat there and praised Him and told Him I really wanted to make a fresh start and get totally back on track with Him, etc. I meant it. With every fiber of my being. It was such a great day.

And then Monday morning I woke up sick again. Mild fever, achy, totally, completely exhausted, and, of course, sinusy. And I just went spiralling back down into the blackest of pits. And it seemed like everything in my life was just WRONG, not just the chronic sinus thing.

So this week has been a huge struggle. God and I have had some pretty heavy talks (okay, I did most of the talking). I told Him I'm TIRED of being refined. I'm not doing a very good job of being refined, anyway. I'm not sure there really is much silver in there. (Apparently He has a different opinion.) I'm tired of being sick. Not like that's a huge revelation. I'm tired of being a crummy wife because I can't take care of anything when I feel like this ... wait, have I posted this exact same thing before, just a couple of weeks ago? Um, yes, I did.

So this has got to be spiritual warfare. I know it is, even if some of you may say it's just whiney old me! lol

Anyway, I confess to very, very dark thoughts about this world's need of having me in it. I do that from time to time. I would never act on those thoughts, but it takes me quite some time to work through them. This is usually when I do my "yelling" at God. Not actually vocally, but definitely internally. I'm glad that I'm confident He can take it. He got an earful last night. I mean, honestly, sometimes I don't understand why He doesn't just STEP IN and DO SOMETHING. Immediate. Miraculous. Not just about the stupid sinuses, but about life.

And then the morning comes and I feel better. (I'm very grateful for mornings.) Not entirely "all better," but acceptably okay. I still don't understand why God won't just FIX the things that get all knotted up in my head and my heart and make me so depressed. I know there are other people involved ... is it okay for me to want them to change? Do I have to be the only one who does any changing? 'Cause clearly, I'm not doing a very good job of it, here, and I could use some major help.

Whoops ... backtracked. Anyway, as I was saying, I know God knows best. I trust Him to know what He's doing. He's God, after all. He's got the Big Picture, the Ultimate Agenda. He, according to the Bible, loves me. And I've had lots of proof of that in my life. I still have trouble believing it sometimes, but it's true. That doesn't always make me feel all perky and Pollyanna, though. Sometimes His will is tough. Lots of times I just flat don't understand it. ("Just flat ..." Can you tell I'm a Native Texan?) Many, many times I buck against it, chafe about it, whine A LOT, and just really wish God would privilege me with more details than He's given. But in the end, I have to say along with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." (Job 1:4-5)

(I'm not saying that like I'm standing up on a big rock proclaiming it to the world. I'm saying it like I'm sitting on the rock with my head in my hands, HAVING to say it because I know there is no other way for my heart to respond.)

I love God. He is MY God, my rock, my salvation, my fortress, my deliverer and my sustainer. (Despite what I feel sometimes, though, I really do hope He doesn't slay me!)

Refining

My apologies for being AWOL for the last several days. Between illness, busyness and just plain LIFE, I haven't really had much reflection time, or even felt much like finding old stuff.

And I will confess that even today's post isn't a Stacy Original. My niece sent it to me in an e-mail, and although I'd seen it before several years ago, I love it and thought I would share it. Maybe some of you haven't seen it yet and would like it as much as I do! I first read it when I was going through a period of severe depression and was struggling with why God wasn't stepping in and DOING something. This, plus the "Footprints" poem really helped me see that He wasn't abandoning me, and that He did have a plan for my life, that even the blackness that I was in at the time would serve its good purpose.

Malachi 3:3 says:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study, and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.



As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

The picture is a very clear picture of how God deals with His children. Silver is most often taken from lead (from what I read on the Internet), which is a lot like us being taken out of the world, or out of our old selves. In order to do that, to get rid of the lead and get the good stuff, it has to be burned at very high temperatures. So, in order for God to get us out of the world/our old selves, He has to pour the heat on. I don't imagine it's a process He enjoys any more than we do, knowing that it's painful to us, and difficult -- except that He knows what the end result will be and exactly how long we have to go through the fire. And in the end, we, like the silver, will be able to reflect the face of the Refiner.

So, yeah, that was incredibly obvious, but it made me feel all wise and "rabbonical", KWIM? lol But hopefully this image will help someone who's going through a period of refining to realize that it's not for no good reason. And God really DOES know what He's doing. (And in looking on the Internet for the above picture, I realized that I am FAR from the first person to post this story in a blog, or to illustrate it, either! lol)

I would like to take a moment to thank Jamie and Mel for your recent comments on my posts. Especially the ones concerning the materialism post. They've given me good "food for thought" and helped me not feel QUITE so bad about myself! I don't come from a tradition that "does" Lent, neither does my current church observe it, so it's a difficult thing for me to get my head around. Not so much the "going without" -- I mean, on a sort of superficial level I get that, on a kind of "legalistic liturgical" level (don't take offense -- I'm not done with my thought yet). That part is because I know ABOUT Lent from "the culture" (i.e., the things that float around in the world around me that I hear about), and I know there are lots of people who observe Lent from a strictly "tradition" point of view and give up whatever just because they're "supposed to." What I mean about getting my head around it is ... well, I guess I want to understand the depth of it, from those of you who truly OBSERVE LENT, like Jamie mentioned. For you it's not just a "tradition" but a time of focusing on your relationship with Christ and what the season means and all of those things ("all of those things" being the things I'm woefully lacking knowledge of). Sometimes I think I'll "do Lent" because it sounds "cool" (from a devoted-Christian kind of perspective), it sounds so "holy" to GIVE UP something for forty days in honor of the run-up to Easter. But then I don't do it because I'm a non-liturgical Protestant who has No Clue. Not really. And I don't want to do it "wrong," for the wrong reasons. And I know that because I'm not part of the group that understands Lent and does it for the right reasons, I'd give up after a few days anyway. It'd be kinda like a New Year's Resolution.

So, I'm truly interested in Lent, in what it means to those of you who practice it. I think it sounds like an amazingly wonderful thing, actually focusing for forty consecutive days on Christ. I mean, yes, we're supposed to focus on Christ every day, which I am more or less successful at depending on what's going on in my life at the time (ugh, I hate how superficial that sounds!). But to TRULY FOCUS, to have a specific season of focus like that. We non-liturgical Protestants miss out on so much. (I love liturgy, BTW. I wish we had more of that kind of thing in my church.)

I'm sure I just showed my TOTAL ignorance of Lent. Feel free to set me straight! Lovingly, of course. ;-)

Okay, I need to go give my family material sustenance (or whatever you call feeding them actual food as opposed to spiritual food). I bought U2's "Live Under a Blood Red Sky" DVD at the grocery store today. I have the video but can't watch it now since we don't have a VHS player anymore. It's a very iconic concert/vid for me. I'm glad to know that Bono is a Christian. An unconventional one, to be sure (and I'm not sure God really approves of Bono's, *ahem* colorful use of language), but I think we need more "unconventional" Christians sometimes. Bono definitely lives out Jesus' message with his initiative to help with the HIV/AIDS relief effort in Africa. You go, Bono!