Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Well, it has been awhile!

I've been through a lot in the last several months, mostly health-wise, so I haven't really kept this blog up as I had hoped.

As far as I know, none of my health issues are life-threatening, but they have certainly screwed up my quality of life to the point that I am at the absolute bottom emotionally and spiritually. I am overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and depressed. I feel as though I have lost myself. Not as in "eternally damned" lost (I believe my salvation is secure), but as in "wandering in the wilderness" type of lost. I feel so far away from God right now, and I also feel like my mind is just not in a good place. It's hard to work on your spiritual life, your relationship with Christ, when you can't think well, and when you do think it's not incredibly positive or rational. I sorta feel like I need to start over, just need to get back to basic truths. I haven't been to a Bible study in years (partly because of my chronic fatigue, partly because the praise team I'm on rehearses during Sunday morning Bible study, partly because our pastor stopped teaching Sunday Bible study, and he was awesome ... the guy who took over was not). I feel disconnected from all the things (spiritually) that are so important to me.

My pastor (who my family is good friends with) sent me an e-mail the other day asking if I had ever forgiven the boyfriend who emotionally abused me in my mid-20s. I have, of course, but it never "sticks" well. I'll think I've forgiven him and then something from that era will pop into my head and I'll have to wrestle with it again. It's not as bad as it used to be, and I've had counseling for it, but I don't think I'll ever get over the scars it left. I think I don't fully understand what forgiveness means. In my head, it includes absolution, as in "That's okay, don't worry about it." Or as in "I know you didn't mean it." This guy left me broken, bruised, shattered and scarred emotionally in such a deep, all-consuming way that I could never possibly say, "All is forgiven" in that smiley, happy way that I think of when I hear that phrase. I need to know how to forgive what he did to me while knowing I can never absolve him of destroying my life at that time. Something I need to work on.

So ... I know I need to do something, find some way of re-connecting with God. I'm just so tired, and tired of the struggle. I have begged God over and over to heal me, yelled at Him because He didn't, then repented of all that because I know He is God and He is sovereign, and His ways are not my ways. But I think that, in all that struggle, I got so beaten down that I can't even get back to all the truths I know about God. I mean in terms of "feeling" them, in grasping them all and applying them to my life. I am burnt out from the struggle. I definitely love God and trust Him as my savior, still. I just don't know how to get out of this wilderness.

I am so thankful for the verses that remind us that, even when we are faithless to Him, He remains faithful to us. (I don't know where to find that verse -- I tried, but didn't find it searching under the phrase "he remains faithful." But it is a real verse, my mother quoted it to me just a couple of days ago and I know I've seen it.) I need heaps of His grace right now!

Edited to add: Well, duh, I just went and read the post I made before this one -- I didn't mean to almost exactly repeat a lot of what I said there. Maybe I should read my last post before I post a new one!


Angie said...

2 Timothy 2:11-13...I cling to that one sometimes, as well.

"Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; 12 if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us; 13 if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself. "

As someone who has had great hurts to grieve and forgive, I can tell you that you're in the right place. Just keep seeking the Lord. For me, it was remembering each and every instance, which was quite painful, and then telling God that I forgive it because God forgave me. It's not based on the merit of the abuser. It's simply because I sinned against God, and yet He has forgiven me, and therefore how can I possibly not forgive, no matter how great the offense?! That sounds much easier than it is. But the truth is I had to put myself on the same level as the abuser, knowing that my sin is no lesser than his/hers. Then I remember that Christ died for both of us. And I still believe that we will all give an account for our deeds. Of course, that doesn't mean the abuser will go to hell inspite of their salvation. But there will be some grief for their actions. I don't know fully what that looks like, but I trust God's judgment. But mostly, I forgive because of God's goodness. And that doesn't mean "Hey no worries, we can be friends." Trust has to be earned, and honestly I'm sure you're not even in contact with this old boyfriend. But maybe there'd be healing if you could say "I forgive you, because God forgave me." Not to start up a friendship, but for closure. Of course Bjorn would have to be with you on that one ;) But then if you ever felt the hurt feelings come back you could remind yourself of this event.

Meanwhile, I'll be praying for you. Thanks for being so transparent.

Stacy said...

Angie, thank you! That's it -- it's a beautiful verse.

Also, thank you for your encouraging, wise words and your support. It helps. I will definitely listen to this advice and work on putting it into practice! (Notice I said "work on" -- you're right, it is hard to do!)