Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Wilderness

So, I guess you can tell by my title where I've been lately. I don't know what's happened, but I have been less-than-inspired lately, not "feeling" God, dry as the lake bed near here is going to be if we don't get some rain soon. Yeah, I feel like I'm in a spiritual drought just as much as Central Texas is in a physical drought.

The thing with droughts (at least spiritual ones) is that they tend to feed off themselves. Not inspired? Won't spend much time in the Bible. Not "feeling" God? Probably won't pray as much, or it will be more rote and less from the heart. And so it has been with me.

Plus my husband is going through "yet another" emotional/spiritual/whatever crisis. I'm worn out from trying to figure that all out, trying to be a good, supportive wife when I really want to run the other direction screaming on his bad days. I love him, I really do. I just don't have anything in the reservoir these days.

So I have been praying for God to help me out of this wilderness. I know I don't absolutely HAVE to "feel" Him in my life, though being a person who runs on their emotions, it would sure be nice! But I want to care! I want to care again about absorbing God's Word into my life, into my heart, into my brain, rather than just reading the Bible and saying, "Okey dokey, I can check that off the list today." I want to care about TALKING with God instead of just sorta handing Him my prayer request list and saying, "There Ya go, Lord, can You please take care of these?"

Some of this is, I think, health related. When you're exhausted because you didn't really "sleep" all night, but rather spent it doing all sorts of weird stuff in an alternate universe, it makes it hard to concentrate on anything, much less on things you know you're supposed to be really getting something from. But part of it is, I suspect, a lack of real effort on my part. I'm not going to any Bible studies, not going to Sunday School (we have praise team rehearsal during that time, although it's really supposed to start earlier), none of that. That helps me concentrate better than just a quick Sunday sermon (no matter how great) and the "daily reading" thing.

I'm glad God is a God of grace. I don't really know how to feel that a lot of the time. I'm too busy thinking how disappointed with me God must be. He probably just wants me to rest in His love for now. Wish I knew how to let go and do that!

1 comment:

Mel said...

ahh yes....been there so I know how you are feeling. I won't give a sermon or a lecture. I will just say to keep the communication lines open with God! So glad to see you posting again!